The Zoo!

So Richard and I have ALWAYS loved taking Emmalynn to the zoo. There are so many things she discovers each and every time she goes to the zoo. Our local zoo is....small. But don't get me wrong -- I love it! I love that it is small not only because she sees things she likes and gets excited each time but also because it is small and takes about an hour to walk around. I cannot imagine going to the San Diego Zoo or the Omaha Zoo every weekend. I am sure I would adjust, but I have no idea how I would survive.

On the plus side, I would probably be more fit and lose more weight from all the walking and activity.

Maybe a move to Omaha or San Diego IS in order. :)

Anyway, we recently went to the Omaha Zoo on  Memorial Day and my first piece of advice for the Omaha Zoo -- don't go on a holiday. It was the only day I could go AND Richard could go that wasn't a Sunday, so I thought it would be a good idea. WRONG-O. It was PACKED not even 30 minutes after it opened.

With that being said, Emmalynn had an AWESOME time. So did I...and so did Richard! We LOVE going to the zoo and other museums. I guess that is the total bonus of Richard working for the Science Center -- we get a free pass to the zoo, science center, and other museums in Des Moines...PLUS free admission to other zoos and museums as well as half price admission to other places. I love it. LOVE it.

Here are some fun pictures from the zoo -- I am hoping we get to go again soon!!

Excited to leave and go to the Omaha Zoo!

Daddy and Emmalynn looking at an Alligator!!

Looking at the orangutan! He was just hanging out!

Stopping for a snack break!

Watching the Polar Bear get fed -- it was exciting (especially for Daddy! He practically RAN down to the bear exhibit so we could watch it!)

Waiting to ride the carousel! Emmalynn was SOOO excited!

Having so much fun on the carousel!

I have to say, we had a really great time! It was somewhat expensive...it was not free and was not cheap. But I say that we cannot get these days back -- Emmalynn will never be this age again and I want to do everything I can to make it memorable for her and memorable for US. It may be expensive and things may be tight for awhile, but to see her learning, discovering and enjoying herself...no amount of money is too much for that. I say that you cannot do too much...go to too many places...expose her to too much culture and learning. So if I had advice it would be to not worry about the money -- worry about the learning and the experience for your child. When that "light bulb" moment happens with your child...that is priceless. It really is. 

Resentment

It is so easy to become resentful of the other parent of your child. Even if you and your child's other parent are married (and happily), it is very easy to resent that person. I may not be married to Emmalynn's father, but he and I have a good relationship, as I have previously written about. But days like today, I resent him.

It is not for what you think; I do not resent him for not being with me or the three of us not being a family. I don't resent him for spending money on himself and not giving me money for Emmalynn (which he has never done, by the way -- always good with child support and anything else Em or I may need in between). Tonight, I resent him because he is not feeling well.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for him. I really do. No one likes to feel sick and all us women know that men are COMPLETE babies when they are sick. But let's get down to the nitty gritty -- I resent him for being sick because as a mother, I don't take "sick days." I can't say, "Hey...I have a headache. Can you go pick her up so I can rest?" As the custodial parent, I have chosen to have Emmalynn with me more than 50% of the time and taking full care of her. Richard sees her every Thursday and every other weekend, if not every weekend. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have called him (or any other family member up) and said, "I don't feel well, can you take care of Emmalynn?"

I resent how EASY it is for him to just say, "I'm not coming over -- my head hurts and I need to rest." I would feel loads of guilt if I did that -- not just because I am not with Emmalynn after being gone all day, but also because I would feel bad basically giving someone else (mainly Richard) no choice but to care for her...regardless of what his plans are. And trust me when I say that he has a lot more plans than I do. He is a military man -- very on schedule and does not waiver from that schedule. If he does, he is completely thrown off.

And just as quickly as I say I resent him for the convenience of being sick, I feel bad for even resenting him. How fair is that? He is sick and I am mad? And do I really have a RIGHT to be mad? It isn't time with ME that he is forfeiting -- it is time with his daughter. And although it may affect her in the long run, she won't remember how many days a week she saw her father when she was 18 months old. She knows who he is, knows that he loves her and she LOVES spending time with him.

And this just goes to show how EASY it is to resent our child's other parent -- whether it be our boyfriend, fiance, spouse or even "baby daddy," it is easy to do. Even when they aren't really do anything wrong! And then when they are doing something wrong...we question if they are really DOING something wrong. Does the complication ever end?

Probably not.

Something I have tried to do is take deep breaths and evaluate if it is REALLY a big deal. 99% of the time, the answer is no -- it is really NOT a big deal. But that is hard for me to do -- that is hard for ANYONE to do. For all of you parents out there who have this mastered, let me know your secret.

I guess the thing to remember is that our child has us as a loving parent and if we are lucky, at least one other parent who loves them as well. And as long as we are putting their interests above our own, that is all that matters -- all resentment aside.

Baby #2...?

This is going to be a very honest blog and very open for me...but I think it is something that not only I have thought about or dealt with.

I have at least a handful of friends who are currently expecting baby #2. I want to start out by saying this is WONDERFUL!!! I am so happy for them! My daughter is such a blessing and I know that they agree that their child and the one on the way is the best blessings in their lives. My friend Nicole told me she was expecting baby #2 at her son's 2nd birthday party (along with the rest of the party guests) and I started crying! I am so happy for her and her family...and all my other friends that are expecting baby #2!

With that being said...it is time to get honest about why I am even posting this blog. I remember thinking right after I had Emmalynn, "I want to do this again...now. I want to have another baby...and I could do it now." Of course, I could not FINANCIALLY do it now. That would be completely irresponsible. Nor do I have the space for another baby...and I didn't then either. Oh...and I should mention the ELEPHANT in the room -- I am not even DATING anyone...lol. Although Emmalynn's father is a great man and a great father, he and I are not together and us being together, let alone having another baby, it 100% unlikely.

But I would be lying if I said I did not envy my good, wonderful friends that are currently expecting or have already had their 2nd child. What I had always pictured was having my children closer together than my sister and I were. Although my sister and I grew up together, she was always more of a motherly figure than a sister. She took care of me (as she still does, most of the time) and made sure I was being good and all that stuff. As I grew older, we had our moments when she said I swore because I was bugging her and I got my mouth washed out with soap...or she made me open the Christmas presents she was getting and re-wrap them BEFORE Christmas...lol...but we did not have that playful bond that siblings close in age have. I wanted that for my children.

But that was not what happened. I met a man and was happily dating him, being treated better than I had ever been treated in a relationship, and we conceived a baby. And she is perfect and beautiful and I would NEVER change a thing.



But I ache to have a 2nd child. Ache. Desperately. I want to feel that baby in my belly again. I want to feel the joy of meeting that child for the first time and watching them grow and discover and experience life, just like I am watching Emmalynn do now. I want to be there for the good and the bad...and for Emmalynn to have a sibling close in age so that she has a playmate and a friend for life.

I understand that this is not in the cards. And I do not want to do it the same way I did it with Emmalynn -- I want to have a significant other that I know will be around and be with me for the rest of our lives. I want that person to want to have a child with me because of the love we have for each other. Unfortunately, that does not make me any less jealous of my friends that have that and are able to do that with their families.

I guess this is just something that comes with the "single mom" territory. One of the hardest parts -- even harder than doing this without a constant partner or the financial difficulties. I think the hardest thing for a single mom to face is that she may not ever have any more children because she may not find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

This makes me even more grateful for my beautiful Emmalynn Joy. I hope that I am able to cherish every moment of every day with her for the rest of her life...because she may be the only one I am able to do this with.

Everyone with one child or more should always count their blessings and thank God a million times a day for the beautiful children they have.




(All of these photos were taken by my good friend, Jamee. She has her own photography business, Thru the Lens Photography. If you like her photos, check her out on Facebook or ask me more!)

Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.

The Extra Skin...

So I have previously discussed the fact that I am actively trying to lose weight and as many people know, I am over 20 lbs down from what I was when I GOT pregnant. This is a big deal for me. And I get excited when I can fit into my Big Star jeans that I have not been able to wear for almost 4 years. No lie.

And then I get in the shower in the morning, look down, and there it is -- skin.

Not fat. Fat I can deal with. Fat goes away. It makes you smaller. It shrinks. Muscle replaces the fat. But skin...you are screwed. That stuff doesn't go away...it just HANGS there. And hangs. And hangs. And never shrinks...never goes away.

As you can tell, I am disgusted with this. Irritated. Pissed off. Livid. Resentful. Boo.

We can all agree that there can be extra skin and in fact, there usually IS extra skin. We love our babies more than anything but we hate the extra skin (not to mention possible stretch marks) our pregnancy leaves behind. I remember complaining about it right after I had Emmalynn and Richard said, "Katie, that shrinks back down. It will be fine. You aren't filling it with fat. Don't worry."

WRONG.

Here I am, 18 months later and losing weight and there is DEFINITELY extra skin now. So I would like to know -- what is the secret to shrinking your stretched-out pregnancy skin? Is there one? Are we just screwed because we were hugely pregnant?

I sure hope not. For all our sakes.

The American Dream?

I have come to a crossroads in my education. I have been in college since fall of 2003 and finished my BA in History in April of 2010. I then started my MA in Psychology through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology's online program in June of 2010. When the Spring of 2011 came, I started to re-evaluate what it was I wanted to do. Ultimately, I want to be a School Psychologist. But I really had no idea where I would start...and this led me to pursue my degree in Education -- my 2nd undergraduate degree.

Unfortunately for me, I have chosen very expensive schools in my journey of education and I knew from the very beginning of my 2nd bachelor's degree that I would not have enough financial aid left to finance the entire degree. At that time, I thought I could save money each month or I could save part of my tax money each year and be able to pay for the rest of my degree myself. After I finished my degree in secondary education and found a job (which I knew would probably not be right away), I would teach and get my foot in the door. By doing this, I would be able to have connections within different school districts and understand the best way to become a school psychologist and how I would go about contracting with school districts to do that.

But then life happened. Babies get sick, parents lose their jobs, unexpected bills take just about every extra penny you have. And now I have made the unbearable decision to withdrawal from school because I was not able to save up the money to finance my degree after my financial aid runs out and it was not be financially responsible of me to rack up a couple thousand more in debt just to not be able to finish until later anyway. And don't even get me started on how in the WORLD I am going to make my student loan payments.

But this leads me to discuss something I have discovered within the past few years and the reality of the "American Dream." In high school, you are encouraged to go to college and get your four year degree because THAT is what will get you a job, the husband/wife, the house with the white picket fence, etc. So we all do that - we go to college, get our degrees and then they tell us that if we want to make more money, we should go and get our master's and doctorate degrees. So we do that, too. All along the way, we have to use financial aid to finance this educational journey that has been presented to us, wrapped with big bows and the promise of money and happiness in life. While some of us are able to get grants and scholarships, many of us come to rely on student loans. And then after we get all our degrees, we are (on average) in debt $80,000...and with jobs that barely pay us $50,000/year...if not LESS. In this economy, it is SURELY less.

So....where is the dream? When do we get to the "financial independence" and "happy family" part of life?

We don't.

That is the ugly truth, folks...we don't get there. We struggle on a daily basis to pack back the loans that the American public and our leaders insisted we get to be able to advance ourselves and serve ourselves, our country, and our economy. And here we are, barely afloat. With no help. No resources. No understanding.

And our dreams? Forget about it. They are done...gone.

And this, of course, leads  me to question what it will be like when my daughter makes the decision to go to college. Although people say that a bachelor's degree is almost essential to getting a successful job these days, I would have to say that you should have even more than that. Which USUALLY means more debt. People say that you should start saving for your child's higher education when they are born...if not before they are born.

So...shoot for the moon kids!! Right??

Is this what it is coming to? EVERYONE should have the chance to have a higher education...but at a price? Is that what I am going to have to say to Emmalynn? I can see it now, "Baby...I am so proud that you got accepted to Yale but your financial aid and scholarships won't cover the cost and I can't afford it so either you get into a mountain of debt or you go to state school. Sorry, pumpkin."

How terrible. How awful.

How can we tell our children to shoot for their dreams when we are not sure we or they can afford them? Will it change? Will it not? I know all this sounds quite socialist but really...why is it okay to live in a country where you have to pay out of your behind for your education and then you don't get a job to help you pay the debt that you had no choice but to accrue to get your "ideal" job? When did education become a privilege and not a right? And how are we all going to explain this to our children?

I am hoping that in 18 years I won't HAVE to explain it to her -- that she will be able to get her higher education and it will be a right...not a privilege.

Just one more rant...

Something I should have added to the previous post, which is EQUALLY important, is this: the minute you start putting your significant other's interest over your own, aka doing everything you can to please them instead of making sure your child happy and healthy (both physically, emotionally and mentally), is the minute you should re-evaluate your relationship. Anyone who asks you to put them and their happiness/best interest over your child's is someone you should run FAR, FAR away from.

Period. The end.