Back to Dating?

So as a single mom, I have to deal with something that I hate to deal with: going back to dating. It has been almost 2 years since I had Emmalynn and since I was pregnant for just over 37 weeks, you can imagine how long it has been since I have been on a "date". Quite awhile. And to be honest, the thought of going on a date or dating again is completely EXHAUSTING. It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte exclaims that she has been dating since she was 15 years old and is completely exhausted (not to mention the crazy hair, blochy face, and general hot mess that she was as she was saying this).

But that is absolutely how I feel. It is completely exhausting. There are so many guys out there that a girl has to weed through to get to one good one -- and that one good one may not even be "the one". I am sure guys feel the same way (maybe...) but as a single mom, a whole new aspect rolls into this "dating" thing -- my child. Since my life is my child and ensuring she is safe, fed, and happy, I do not really "go out" anymore. Paired with that and the fact that 90% of my friend are married and have children of their own explains why I do not "go out and socialize" anymore. For me, socializing has become playdates and gymnastics class and birthday parties. It is just the "nature of the beast" if you will. So because of this fact, I have joined 3 unnamed dating website services. Now, I am not exactly expecting to find Prince Charming. However, I am hoping to find someone that makes me happy and helps me to learn more about myself and more about relationships. But there are problems with this just like there are problems with trying to find your husband in a bar. The following are some of my biggest problems with not only online dating, but dating again.

1. Here is what I find in my inbox at least 3 times a day:

Random Guy: "Hey sexy"

Okay...honestly? We might as well be 15 and in an online chat room asking "age/sex/location?" If you are interested in having a conversation with me and going on a date or two and THEN calling me sexy, then awesome. But you start out a conversation like that and all I hear is, "I want to boink you." Negative, my friend. Negative.

2. We get to the point to where we are talking back and forth and then this happens:

Not so random anymore Guy: "What are your measurements?"

REALLY?

Okay, so at first I thought that you actually wanted to get to know me as a person. Turns out that what you know (which is very little) is acceptable enough for you to want to sleep with me. NO THANK YOU. No, I will NOT tell you my measurements. And no, I will NOT keeping talking with you.

3. We have been talking for a few days and he has not called me sexy and has not asked my measurements...and then THIS happens:

Guy I've gotten to know a little but still is somewhat random: "Have you ever wanted to have a threesome?"

Good Lord. Really? Don't put on your profile that you are looking for a relationship and then ask me if I want to have a threesome. You are NOT looking for a relationship -- you are looking for someone who wants to have a sexual relationship with you and another man/woman.

4. So you get to the point where you have talked awhile, texted awhile and then actually met in person and then they get mad when you won't sleep with them right away. UGH. Sex. ALWAYS sex. Really? God forbid you talk with someone, go on a date with them and then actually get to know them before launching yourself onto them.

So this happens all the time. About 3 of the first scenario each day, and one of each of the others a week (although I have not gotten to the actual DATE stage yet, I remember it from my pre-baby days).

I just keep faith that through all the muck and mess and bad guys and weird guys and "you should never be allowed to say that" guys, there will be ONE good guy out there. One that will open doors for me, pull out my chair when we sit down to eat, help me put on my coat, will want to sit next to me in the booth when we go out to dinner, someone who makes me laugh until I cry and someone who will hold me when I want to cry without judgement. Someone who will not only be my boyfriend/husband but be my best friend. And I really have hope that I will find that when I look to my good friends and my parents. So...it is worth it all, in the end.

Right?

Right?

Right. :)

I Wish I Could Give You More...

Have you ever looked at your little, lovely, beautiful child and thought just that? Earlier this evening, I was snuggling with Emmalynn after giving her a stern talking to about following directions (which was followed up sobbing for at least 5 minutes...very dramatic!) and I said to her, "Emmalynn, Mommy loves you so much. I wish I could give you more."

I wish I could be completely, 100% financially sound and stable in my career of choice so that I could give her EVERYTHING she would need/want. I do not want to spoil her by any means, but I also don't want to have moments every few months when I wonder where I am going to find the money to buy her more diapers, milk, clothes, etc. And according to all the welfare guidelines, I make FAR too much to receive aid. And don't even get me started on my student loans and how in the world I afford any of those -- I could not even begin to tell you how I pay on the two that I owe right now other than the fact that I am beyond grateful that my other loans are still in deferment.

But I wish I could give Emmalynn a house -- somewhere with a yard where she can play outside. I wish I could give her a pool and playset in her backyard where she can play instead of a small little porch that barely fits her whale kiddie pool. I wish that I could have a bigger car (even though mine is completely paid off) to fit her and all our stuff more comfortably when we go on trips. I wish I could give her a home where there is a full time Mom and Dad. I have said many times before that I am so thankful for the situation that I am in and so grateful for such a good man to be my daughter's father to co-parent with and take this journey of raising a child with. But do I wish that she was growing up in a two parent home? Absolutely. I wish I could give her that. Maybe someday I will meet someone, get married and have more kids and those kids will be able to have what I was not able to give Emmalynn.

And then I think of everything I DO give Emmalynn -- a loving home, a loving mother and a loving father (even if they are not together), time with her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, trips to the zoo and science center to discover things and TIME. Although I never feel like I give her enough time, I give her all the time that I have when I can. And I don't really think you can put a price tag on that -- I think that the fact that I love her with every inch of my being and do the best I can for her at this moment in time, that is MORE than enough.

Photo credit: Thru the Lens Photography

The Zoo!

So Richard and I have ALWAYS loved taking Emmalynn to the zoo. There are so many things she discovers each and every time she goes to the zoo. Our local zoo is....small. But don't get me wrong -- I love it! I love that it is small not only because she sees things she likes and gets excited each time but also because it is small and takes about an hour to walk around. I cannot imagine going to the San Diego Zoo or the Omaha Zoo every weekend. I am sure I would adjust, but I have no idea how I would survive.

On the plus side, I would probably be more fit and lose more weight from all the walking and activity.

Maybe a move to Omaha or San Diego IS in order. :)

Anyway, we recently went to the Omaha Zoo on  Memorial Day and my first piece of advice for the Omaha Zoo -- don't go on a holiday. It was the only day I could go AND Richard could go that wasn't a Sunday, so I thought it would be a good idea. WRONG-O. It was PACKED not even 30 minutes after it opened.

With that being said, Emmalynn had an AWESOME time. So did I...and so did Richard! We LOVE going to the zoo and other museums. I guess that is the total bonus of Richard working for the Science Center -- we get a free pass to the zoo, science center, and other museums in Des Moines...PLUS free admission to other zoos and museums as well as half price admission to other places. I love it. LOVE it.

Here are some fun pictures from the zoo -- I am hoping we get to go again soon!!

Excited to leave and go to the Omaha Zoo!

Daddy and Emmalynn looking at an Alligator!!

Looking at the orangutan! He was just hanging out!

Stopping for a snack break!

Watching the Polar Bear get fed -- it was exciting (especially for Daddy! He practically RAN down to the bear exhibit so we could watch it!)

Waiting to ride the carousel! Emmalynn was SOOO excited!

Having so much fun on the carousel!

I have to say, we had a really great time! It was somewhat expensive...it was not free and was not cheap. But I say that we cannot get these days back -- Emmalynn will never be this age again and I want to do everything I can to make it memorable for her and memorable for US. It may be expensive and things may be tight for awhile, but to see her learning, discovering and enjoying herself...no amount of money is too much for that. I say that you cannot do too much...go to too many places...expose her to too much culture and learning. So if I had advice it would be to not worry about the money -- worry about the learning and the experience for your child. When that "light bulb" moment happens with your child...that is priceless. It really is. 

Resentment

It is so easy to become resentful of the other parent of your child. Even if you and your child's other parent are married (and happily), it is very easy to resent that person. I may not be married to Emmalynn's father, but he and I have a good relationship, as I have previously written about. But days like today, I resent him.

It is not for what you think; I do not resent him for not being with me or the three of us not being a family. I don't resent him for spending money on himself and not giving me money for Emmalynn (which he has never done, by the way -- always good with child support and anything else Em or I may need in between). Tonight, I resent him because he is not feeling well.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for him. I really do. No one likes to feel sick and all us women know that men are COMPLETE babies when they are sick. But let's get down to the nitty gritty -- I resent him for being sick because as a mother, I don't take "sick days." I can't say, "Hey...I have a headache. Can you go pick her up so I can rest?" As the custodial parent, I have chosen to have Emmalynn with me more than 50% of the time and taking full care of her. Richard sees her every Thursday and every other weekend, if not every weekend. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have called him (or any other family member up) and said, "I don't feel well, can you take care of Emmalynn?"

I resent how EASY it is for him to just say, "I'm not coming over -- my head hurts and I need to rest." I would feel loads of guilt if I did that -- not just because I am not with Emmalynn after being gone all day, but also because I would feel bad basically giving someone else (mainly Richard) no choice but to care for her...regardless of what his plans are. And trust me when I say that he has a lot more plans than I do. He is a military man -- very on schedule and does not waiver from that schedule. If he does, he is completely thrown off.

And just as quickly as I say I resent him for the convenience of being sick, I feel bad for even resenting him. How fair is that? He is sick and I am mad? And do I really have a RIGHT to be mad? It isn't time with ME that he is forfeiting -- it is time with his daughter. And although it may affect her in the long run, she won't remember how many days a week she saw her father when she was 18 months old. She knows who he is, knows that he loves her and she LOVES spending time with him.

And this just goes to show how EASY it is to resent our child's other parent -- whether it be our boyfriend, fiance, spouse or even "baby daddy," it is easy to do. Even when they aren't really do anything wrong! And then when they are doing something wrong...we question if they are really DOING something wrong. Does the complication ever end?

Probably not.

Something I have tried to do is take deep breaths and evaluate if it is REALLY a big deal. 99% of the time, the answer is no -- it is really NOT a big deal. But that is hard for me to do -- that is hard for ANYONE to do. For all of you parents out there who have this mastered, let me know your secret.

I guess the thing to remember is that our child has us as a loving parent and if we are lucky, at least one other parent who loves them as well. And as long as we are putting their interests above our own, that is all that matters -- all resentment aside.

Baby #2...?

This is going to be a very honest blog and very open for me...but I think it is something that not only I have thought about or dealt with.

I have at least a handful of friends who are currently expecting baby #2. I want to start out by saying this is WONDERFUL!!! I am so happy for them! My daughter is such a blessing and I know that they agree that their child and the one on the way is the best blessings in their lives. My friend Nicole told me she was expecting baby #2 at her son's 2nd birthday party (along with the rest of the party guests) and I started crying! I am so happy for her and her family...and all my other friends that are expecting baby #2!

With that being said...it is time to get honest about why I am even posting this blog. I remember thinking right after I had Emmalynn, "I want to do this again...now. I want to have another baby...and I could do it now." Of course, I could not FINANCIALLY do it now. That would be completely irresponsible. Nor do I have the space for another baby...and I didn't then either. Oh...and I should mention the ELEPHANT in the room -- I am not even DATING anyone...lol. Although Emmalynn's father is a great man and a great father, he and I are not together and us being together, let alone having another baby, it 100% unlikely.

But I would be lying if I said I did not envy my good, wonderful friends that are currently expecting or have already had their 2nd child. What I had always pictured was having my children closer together than my sister and I were. Although my sister and I grew up together, she was always more of a motherly figure than a sister. She took care of me (as she still does, most of the time) and made sure I was being good and all that stuff. As I grew older, we had our moments when she said I swore because I was bugging her and I got my mouth washed out with soap...or she made me open the Christmas presents she was getting and re-wrap them BEFORE Christmas...lol...but we did not have that playful bond that siblings close in age have. I wanted that for my children.

But that was not what happened. I met a man and was happily dating him, being treated better than I had ever been treated in a relationship, and we conceived a baby. And she is perfect and beautiful and I would NEVER change a thing.



But I ache to have a 2nd child. Ache. Desperately. I want to feel that baby in my belly again. I want to feel the joy of meeting that child for the first time and watching them grow and discover and experience life, just like I am watching Emmalynn do now. I want to be there for the good and the bad...and for Emmalynn to have a sibling close in age so that she has a playmate and a friend for life.

I understand that this is not in the cards. And I do not want to do it the same way I did it with Emmalynn -- I want to have a significant other that I know will be around and be with me for the rest of our lives. I want that person to want to have a child with me because of the love we have for each other. Unfortunately, that does not make me any less jealous of my friends that have that and are able to do that with their families.

I guess this is just something that comes with the "single mom" territory. One of the hardest parts -- even harder than doing this without a constant partner or the financial difficulties. I think the hardest thing for a single mom to face is that she may not ever have any more children because she may not find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

This makes me even more grateful for my beautiful Emmalynn Joy. I hope that I am able to cherish every moment of every day with her for the rest of her life...because she may be the only one I am able to do this with.

Everyone with one child or more should always count their blessings and thank God a million times a day for the beautiful children they have.




(All of these photos were taken by my good friend, Jamee. She has her own photography business, Thru the Lens Photography. If you like her photos, check her out on Facebook or ask me more!)

Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.

The Extra Skin...

So I have previously discussed the fact that I am actively trying to lose weight and as many people know, I am over 20 lbs down from what I was when I GOT pregnant. This is a big deal for me. And I get excited when I can fit into my Big Star jeans that I have not been able to wear for almost 4 years. No lie.

And then I get in the shower in the morning, look down, and there it is -- skin.

Not fat. Fat I can deal with. Fat goes away. It makes you smaller. It shrinks. Muscle replaces the fat. But skin...you are screwed. That stuff doesn't go away...it just HANGS there. And hangs. And hangs. And never shrinks...never goes away.

As you can tell, I am disgusted with this. Irritated. Pissed off. Livid. Resentful. Boo.

We can all agree that there can be extra skin and in fact, there usually IS extra skin. We love our babies more than anything but we hate the extra skin (not to mention possible stretch marks) our pregnancy leaves behind. I remember complaining about it right after I had Emmalynn and Richard said, "Katie, that shrinks back down. It will be fine. You aren't filling it with fat. Don't worry."

WRONG.

Here I am, 18 months later and losing weight and there is DEFINITELY extra skin now. So I would like to know -- what is the secret to shrinking your stretched-out pregnancy skin? Is there one? Are we just screwed because we were hugely pregnant?

I sure hope not. For all our sakes.