Looking Back on 2013

As this year comes to a close, I want to take a couple of minutes to reflect upon the past year and where I am now as a parent, woman, friend. It has been awhile since I have blogged so this may be a doozie, but that is not something that bothers me - my good friends will tell you that I tend to write novels anyway :)

I am not at all where I thought I would be right now. Going into my 29th year, I thought for sure I would be married with at least 2 kids, maybe even more. I would be starting my career as a teacher, excited to see young people light up and become passionate about something, much as I did in high school. I thought I would be settled down and getting into a sort of stride in my life.

But as all of us know, that is not the case. Here I am, a single Mom of one amazing little girl at 28 (almost 29), unable to finish my degree in secondary education for financial reasons, working at a job that I by no means hate, but never thought I would be working at. At I certainly have not settled down or found a stride in my life...at all. In fact, I just laughed typing that. Nothing about where I am is at all where I thought I would be. I have experienced a lot of heartache this year, which many do not know about. In fact, I could even tell you that there were probably times that my parents knew something was going on in the past 2 years they have lived with me, but it was very rare that I would actually cry or lash out emotionally about something. I have felt as though I have to be the stronghold of the family, of my family. I do not have a choice but to be strong and forge ahead. To fight my emotional battles by myself and not burden others with them. And there is nothing wrong with being strong and looking at the present and the future instead of the past. But emotionally, that is hard to through on your own and fight battles on your own. All of my friends who have loving partners, please remember this: CHERISH the partner you have. Never take for granted the love and emotional support they give you. You may have your family you grew up with (which is amazing), but raising children and moving forward with your life without that emotional partner...it is much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Even when your partner is away for a long period of time and taking care of the house and the kids seems unmanageable and you are about to pull your hair out, remember that you have that emotional partner who is there for you...to catch you when you fall emotionally. That equal who is always there to hold you up and you to hold them up. Do not forget that and please, do not take it for granted.

I have had dear friends who have gone through traumatic events in their lives this past year and I would have done ANYTHING to take on that burden for them. Anything. Those times make friendships stronger, even when the friendship itself changes. To know that there are people out there that will always be there for me, regardless of where we are at, and for them to know that I would do the same for them...THAT is all that matters. It really is. At the end of the day, having people who love you and you love them and you are there for each other...that is all that really matters.

So here I am, about to start 2014 with a large amount of student loan debt, no husband (or boyfriend to speak of), and not at all where I thought I would be in my career. And there are moments when the thought of that brings me down...a lot more than I would care to admit. However, I choose to live in the NOW. I choose to live in the present and look towards the future. I cannot do anything about my past -- the things that I cannot change. I can sit here and stew over them and see how I could have done this or that differently but ultimately, I am just allowing the past and the fear of the unknown to take a hold of me and suck life out of me. But I choose to not do that -- it is a choice. It is a choice that you make to say "horrible things have happened...I am not the person I was before. My life was shattered and I, as a person, am altered. But I am looking at the now. I will never forget the past and what has happened to me, but I am living for the present and the future." And that is something I tell myself every night before I go to sleep. I did the best I could today but I cannot change anything that happened. I cannot rewind time. Tomorrow is a new day - a fresh, clean day. No mistakes. I have to make NOW the best today I can...and every day after that.

With all that being said, I would not change a thing. I would do it all over again if I had to, without hesitation. I would take the good with the bad; endure the heartaches for all the moments of celebration and happiness. And I would do it over and over again without even thinking about it. And when I think about the hard times, and trust me, they were hard, I think about how much more FULL I am because of all the good times. How much light and joy is in my life because of my little Emmalynn. How I don't know how I would survive without her or how I survived before her. How EVERYTHING I do is for her.

And so 2014 is a year of living in the NOW (in case you hadn't figured that out yet :) ) -- being positive and looking forward, not back. Loving with everything I have and not putting up walls. Being the best person I can be and allowing myself to make mistakes. Allowing myself to feel pain and heartbreak. Allowing myself to learn from those experiences and move forward. In 2014, I will be the best mother I can be and the best friend I know how to be. I will continue to be there for those who need me and be a light for those who need one. But most of all, I will live in the present....live in the NOW. Do everything I can today to make it the best day possible and the same the next day, and the day after that. No holding back.

So Happy Almost 2014 -- make it a great year! Love harder, live better, never hold back.

Dating: Part II

Where do I even begin? I know this is not the first time I've written about dating and I am pretty positive it won't be the last. I am a single mom and until the word "single" is no longer in front of my description as a mom, it will be something I talk about. It is something I experience and recognize every day. I am a single parent. I am very thankful to be a parent period. My daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am not quite sure how I ever felt whole or fulfilled in life before she was here with me. But I wouldn't wish being a single parent on anyone. Ever. It's the hardest but most rewarding job I will ever have. 

But this whole dating with a child thing just...blows. For lack of a better term, it just blows. And what sucks the most about it is that somehow no matter how old or young a man is (or even a woman), they can't seem to be mature when it comes to dating. I am a very straight up girl; when I am not interested or I become uninterested, you know. I don't do the ignoring thing. Or the excuse thing. Or the "I'm sorry I have to wash my hair in Friday night" thing. I would say that 95% of the time if I am not interested or become uninterested or I'm just not that into a guy, he knows...because I flat out tell him. Point blank. It's better for everyone involved that way. No mind games. No tricks. Just honesty. We all deserve that much. 

All I am asking is that the favor is returned. Is that too much to ask? Seriously? 

Because here is the deal: I'm awesome. I really am. I'm not trying to be cocky or overconfident but I'm awesome. I don't ask where a man is and what he's doing every 5 minutes. I don't feel the need to "check in" on someone I am dating unless they are sick or depressed. I have clear and concise boundaries. I don't jump into a relationship. I am extremely patient. And do you know why? Because I'm awesome. And the other reason? Because I expect the same in return. I have this odd notion that we should treat people the way we want to be treated. If I want someone to be kind and patient, I should be kind and patient. If I was someone to be considerate and thoughtful, I should be considerate and thoughtful. And I would say I do a good job of it, too.

But now we come to the part of why I hate dating the most: apparently, not everyone sees it the way I do. And I am not sure if it us because they don't feel like they deserve this treatment or I don't deserve is treatment but either way, it blows. It really does. Because I'm better than that. I'm worth way more than that. 

Some people would say, "Katie, just go out and have some fun! Date around! Have a few drinks with a couple guys! Have fun!" Well, I did that. In my early to mid-twenties I did that. I had lots of fun dating. And it was very fun. Tons of fun. Fun coming out of my ears. Then I had a child. And this child depends on me and looks to me for how she should act and what the right things are to say and do. She looks to me to be her example. So while I want to meet someone and date and have fun while doing it, I don't want to just go around having fun. I did that. Now I want to meet someone and after a good amount of time dating, be in a committed relationship and eventually get married and have more babies. And I deserve that...because I'm awesome. And any single parent deserves that too - you are all awesome! You deserve to be treated to the standard you would treat someone. You do. Don't settle for anything less. Because you deserve the best. And don't be afraid to demand it, either. And don't be afraid to get hurt. Because when you love with your whole heart, you child sees that. They see that we make mistakes and we choose the wrong path sometimes but that we learn from it. We grow from it. And we want them to learn and grow from their mistakes as well. 

So, while I am TOTALLY fighting with dating right now, I will keep at it. My daughter should see that I am not afraid of making mistakes. That I am not afraid of the unknown. That I am not afraid to be vulnerable. And that because of all this, she shouldn't be afraid either. 

The Greatest is Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it has no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

I think most people have heard this verse a time or two...or 80. I Corinthians 13 is something I had to memorize during a church program in 4-5 grade (where are all my STARS girls at???). It is also not something I fully understood until many years after memorizing it. And I kind of think that was the point; taking this knowledge with us as we travel through life. The older I get, the more I understand the deep meaning of scripture in my life and in the lives of others. 

There is one verse that gets me to the core....especially recently: Love has no record of wrong. Quite a few people in my life, including myself, have gone through some tough times lately. As we all know, life is not sunshine and roses. Things happen that have little to no explanation and leave us asking, "Why?" It can leave us angry, bitter, or make us feel like we are being punished. More than anything, these hard times can make us feel so...alone. These are times when our family and friend's support means everything. Just a simple "I'm thinking of you" can mean everything to someone going through a hard time. And not saying something can break whatever relationship was there before hand. 

This is when this passage of scripture is so important. Loving always. Not just when things are easy and good. Always. Love never fails. And it keeps no record of wrong. Love is not conditional. You cannot say you love someone and then peace out when things get hard. You cannot say, "I love you unless you do this or do that." You cannot say you love someone and then list conditions of your love. That is not love. God gave us love in the context of I Corinthians 13 - love encompasses everything. Love does not hold things against us. That is not part of love. 

Now, this blog is about parenting. And so I am about to get on my soap box (if I'm not already) and make my point: you cannot love your child(ren) and hold things over their heads. Your cannot love your child(ren) but only if they win that trophy or get straight A's or win beauty pageants. The best thing you can do for your child is encourage them and love them despite their shortcomings. They are not perfect but THAT is why you love them. Because they are themselves. Your children will succeed when they know you love and believe in them...no matter what. I am begging all of you to love your children and your spouse (or partner, boyfriend, etc) unconditionally. Otherwise...it just isn't love. It just isn't. 

My best friend sent me an e-card that said, "Thanks for being such a good friend when my life looked life a Cymbalta commercial." The first thing I did was laugh hysterically. The second thing I did was say to myself, "No. Thank you. That's what it's about." THAT is what it's about. Love without conditions. No record of wrongs. It's easy to love someone when everything is great. Make sure you are loving them when their lives look like a Cymbalta commercial. 

The Hard Parts

Now that Emmalynn is almost two and a half and independent, I am tested on a daily basis. I tell myself whenever I am tested that this moment is going to make me a better parent. It will teach me more about parenting and about myself. And I feel a bit better.

And then I tell myself again about 20 times throughout the day.

That's right. 20 times.

Did I mention she is almost two and a half?

And then there is just life. Life is hard. Being a parent is hard work. Being a working parent is hard work. And being a single parent...it's the hardest job I will ever do. Ever. And I would never wish being a single parent on anyone. I am lucky to have a co-parent that I work well with and really see as a partner and not just a "baby daddy".

But there are those days...those days that test my relationship with my co-parent. Today is one of those days. I can honestly say that sometimes things are great and sometimes things are terrible. We take it one day at a time and today is one of the hard ones. I have heard from many people that marriage can be the same way - one day at a time. And that makes me feel a bit better.

It can just be so hard to understand what's going on...where his head is at. And maybe I'm not meant to understand. But it is something I struggle with every day.

And then the future is hard. I have started a new job where I am starting to get into the swing of things and understand the culture a bit more. I am taking more time for myself as well. And I even started to date again about 6 months ago. I have been trying to move forward and more and continue to date...but that is hard. And scary. Just as scary as it was when I started dating after two years of not dating. The more I do, the easier it gets, I'm sure. But it is still hard.

All of this combined truly scares me. Achieving my goals and becoming a great woman, mother and hopefully someday wife...it scares me. And it is hard to stay positive. But if the new culture at my work has taught me anything, it is to be positive and know that you have a team...people we can lean on and ask for help. When things are hard, we all have a team - our family, our friends, our rocks. Those people are their to be our sounding board and there for us to lean on. So as times are hard, I lean on my friends and family and know that with their help, I can make it through any hard days.

So while this journey may be hard...it is totally, 100% worth it. Trust in God and trust in yourself...and you will never be alone.

And she's worth it :)

New Year, New Beginnings?

First of all...HAPPY NEW YEAR! :) I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday :)

Second of all...I never understood the saying, "New Year, New Beginnings." I mean, you can vow to start over and be a better person each year. But I am a firm believer that you should never forget or regret the past. There are several reasons I believe this: the first reason being that you should forgive, but never forget. The saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" really rings true with me. I truly believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But I also believe that if you forget what has happened in the past, then you are not LEARNING from the past. And that brings me to the second reason, which is that if you live with regrets, that means you are not learning from your mistakes. I choose not to regret the things I have done -- I choose to learn from them. When I was 16, a dear friend of mine was in such a low place that he decided the problem was not temporary...that it was never going away...that it was something he could not live with. He took his own life on March 1, 2001. I will never forget that day...and I will never forget that dear friend. And it was at the tender age of 15 that I made the decision to never regret -- to make mistakes and make lots of them, but to LEARN from them. And so far, I have done a pretty good job of not living with regrets. I have certainly done a good job at making mistakes...even making them 3 or 4 times just to be sure that it was a mistake :) It is also because of this dear friend that I choose to love without conditions -- to take the good with the bad and the fun with the not so fun...I am all in whenever I am in a relationship (and I don't just mean romantic...I mean friendship, relationship, family, etc.). This has a lot to do with not living with regrets. I don't want to look back and say, "If I just would have done..." or "If I just would have showed them...". Nope. I will do it -- I will show it and say it, whether it be good or bad, because I am all in. No conditions. That is not love. I Corinthians 13 says that "love is not easily angered; it has no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ALWAYS. No conditions. It never has a record of wrong. It is not conditional. If it has conditions, it is not love. Period.

I guess the point of this is to learn from my mistakes not only as a parent, but as a person. Making sure I put first what should be put first -- my duties as a mother. Now, I have talked before about how each parent needs their "me" time and how couples should make sure to make time for "date night" and not get lost in their jobs and children and their children's activities...but ask those people why they do those things and they not only do it for themselves, they do it so they can be a better parent and set a better example for their children. So, for 2013, I am going to try my hardest to be the best mother I can be -- make as many mistakes as possible so I can know what is the best for my daughter and I and make sure I put being the best mother I can be FIRST. Anything is icing on the cake. An added bonus. I also want to do something superficial (I think that is required when it comes to resolutions) and go to at least one Zumba class (or other work out class) a week and pay more attention to what I am eating. It sets a good example for Emmalynn that I care about myself and I care about her and what we put into our bodies.

I feel as though this blog has been sufficiently serious for a resolution and "reflection" blog. Now...some fun pictures from my baby's 3rd Christmas :)

Big Girl Excited for Christmas :)

Riding in her new car and LOVING it :)

Walking in her new Minnie Mouse light up heels :)

Here is to new friends, new experiences, putting aside our fears and living out lives in 2013! I can't wait to see what it holds :)

What Are We Afraid Of?

The older Emmalynn gets, the more I consider her development, both socially and physically, and how the events that are currently taking place are going to effect her in the long run. So here are a few things that I have feared or that my friend's fear could happen with their children.

1. Are the educational programs she is watching really teaching her anything? Or is she just staring at the colors, hypnotized by the pixels and in fact, learning nothing?

I have often asked myself these questions, especially with all the current research about children watching TV. The media has a strong influence on older children and adolescents and it makes me wonder how much influence it has on my toddler. The other night, we were watching Dora the Explorer (which makes me want to punch myself in the face but Emmalynn seems to like) and when Dora asked if Swiper the Fox was anywhere to be seen. Emmalynn ran up the TV and pointed to where Swiper was and then when Dora asked her to say "Swiper No Swiping!", she said it in UNISON with Dora and Boots and even put her little hand up like both of the characters do. So I just found my answer -- she DOES learn something from educational television. She DOES love it for the colors as well. And does the media effect her? Absolutely. As a parent, we cannot shield our children from all the bad things in the world, and that includes what they see on TV. However, we can do our best to ensure that what they are watching is not damaging to them and is either neutral, or they are learning something. Honestly, I am just happy she is learning new things that are helping her develop -- regardless of where it comes from. And I don't think that makes me a bad Mom, either. She watches TV and learns colors, shapes, directions, how to be kind, etc. I don't feel bad about those things or the fact that she watches TV at all. And if you child does this, I don't think you should either. The shows they watch on Nick Jr, Sprout, or Disney Junior are teaching them things -- what does it matter that it comes from a TV show if they are learning? It doesn't. Don't punish yourself.

2. How is Emmalynn's father and I not being together going to effect Emmalynn's development and her perception of what a family is "supposed" to be like? Even though we are civil and on good terms, are we doing more damage than good?

There is no way for me to know this. I could sit and ruminate about this all day but I am really never going to know the effects of this arrangement. In fact, she will never know anything different. The probability that this will have a negative effect on her and make her resent us is highly unlikely. If she were older and we separated after she would remember, that would be different. But I cannot sit around and wonder how something is going to effect her or if I am screwing her up for the future. Here is my theory: we are all screwed up because of our parents. Most of the time it is not intentional -- I would say that a good majority of parents have their child's best interest at heart. However, we learn more from our parents actions and less from their words. When we have shortcomings or insecurities, it is usually from our parents. So I can worry about it as much as I would like but that is not going to make a difference. All I can do (and all of us can do) is be the best parent possible and hope that our actions do not screw up our children too much. And you know what? It is okay if they are a bit screwed up -- it makes family gatherings interesting, right? :)

3. If my child plays alone and does not interact well with other kids, are they going to grow up to be a bully/school shooter/serial killer?

Okay. I get it. We worry about how our children act now and look towards the future and identify warning signs. That is what we do as parents. However, a serial killer usually has something happen in their childhood that causes them to become a sociopath. It is highly unlikely that a child that comes from a loving, caring and "normal" home will turn out to be a school shooter or a serial killer. I read a study that was done on sociopaths that showed that many serial killers/sociopaths have a special gene and an underdeveloped brain which causes them to act more on impulse instead of having impulse control. It was also shown that people who had this gene and mutation in their brain that came from a loving, caring and accepting home environment did not end up being serial killers. Keep in mind that no matter how great of an influence nature has on a person, the nurture of that life helps to shape who that person will become. Here is the point: we just do the best we can to show our children love, teach them strong morals and lay a good foundation for them to be caring, respectful adults. None of us can tell what the future holds, but we can do everything in our control and power to bring up the best children we can. If you sit around and worry about things you have no control over, you are letting worry and fear live in your head rent free. How about we free up that space and energy for our children NOW? Do our best to live in the present instead of worrying and being fearful of something that has not happened yet? I think so.

Those are the three BIG ones for me. They are tough for all of us. But we cannot sit around worrying about things we do not have control over. We need to be with our children in the here and now -- worry about the present or the immediate future. Worry about the rest when it gets here. Understand the signs of trouble and pay close attention to them. Be the best parent you can be IN THE PRESENT. Be with your child or children IN THE PRESENT. You do the best thing you can for your NOW -- don't worry about things that have not happened yet through irrational fears.

Things I have learned since I last blogged...

I have spent quite some time away but it was not on purpose -- I just got really busy and in all honesty, my world got turned upside down!

Here are some things I have learned since the last time I blogged...

- Dating is not so bad as I thought it was. In fact, sometimes it works out in your favor. If anything, you meet new people, make new friends, and do something for YOURSELF.

- My child has learned several new words and sayings. Her recent favorite is "Come back here! Come back here now!" And she also has a flair for the dramatic. When the gate is put up at the top of the stairs, Emmalynn will see it and dramatically say, "No, no, no, no, nooooo!" To say I have an independent child is an understatement.

- Jumping on an air-filled pillow when you have a back condition is not a good idea. I have been in pain all around my back since Saturday afternoon. Not cool.

- The fact that Emmalynn has started to go to her Dad's every Thursday and every other weekend now has made me cherish my time with her so much more. I try not to waste a single minute and to play and watch movies and just love on her while I can. It makes me appreciate what a beautiful little girl I have even more than I already did. It is hard, but it is a blessing in disguise.

- Laughter is the best medicine -- when I was having hard times, my best friends made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurt. I appreciate them more than they will ever know.

- Moving sucks. Hardcore sucks. I hate it. Literally. I am not moving again until I get married. You think I am kidding...I am not. But I am SO thankful for all the church friends my parents had come and help us. Because of them we are in our new home and it is starting to feel like an actual HOME.

- I have about 5 friends having babies within the next few months (if not DAYS!). I am so excited to hold beautiful, new little babies...and give them back to their parents :) I am totally at peace with the fact that I don't know when I am going to have more kids or get married. I have nothing but joy for anyone expecting their second child and I just hold hope that in the future, I will get married and have more babies...with the right person and the right way :)

And I will leave you with images from the time I have been away -- I am sure there are a lot of them so I hope you like pictures :)

                                                            Emmalynn at Night Eyes!

                                           Jessica and I at her wedding -- perfect moment!!

 

Emmalynn and I at Night Eyes!

 

Emmalynn playing at her birthday party -- the parachute was awesome!!

 

Auntie Krista, Stella, Emmalynn and I at Night Eyes

                                               Stella and I at Emmalynn's Birthday Party!

 

Emmalynn and Ardyn at the Minnesota Zoo -- soo cute, right?

Back to Dating?

So as a single mom, I have to deal with something that I hate to deal with: going back to dating. It has been almost 2 years since I had Emmalynn and since I was pregnant for just over 37 weeks, you can imagine how long it has been since I have been on a "date". Quite awhile. And to be honest, the thought of going on a date or dating again is completely EXHAUSTING. It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte exclaims that she has been dating since she was 15 years old and is completely exhausted (not to mention the crazy hair, blochy face, and general hot mess that she was as she was saying this).

But that is absolutely how I feel. It is completely exhausting. There are so many guys out there that a girl has to weed through to get to one good one -- and that one good one may not even be "the one". I am sure guys feel the same way (maybe...) but as a single mom, a whole new aspect rolls into this "dating" thing -- my child. Since my life is my child and ensuring she is safe, fed, and happy, I do not really "go out" anymore. Paired with that and the fact that 90% of my friend are married and have children of their own explains why I do not "go out and socialize" anymore. For me, socializing has become playdates and gymnastics class and birthday parties. It is just the "nature of the beast" if you will. So because of this fact, I have joined 3 unnamed dating website services. Now, I am not exactly expecting to find Prince Charming. However, I am hoping to find someone that makes me happy and helps me to learn more about myself and more about relationships. But there are problems with this just like there are problems with trying to find your husband in a bar. The following are some of my biggest problems with not only online dating, but dating again.

1. Here is what I find in my inbox at least 3 times a day:

Random Guy: "Hey sexy"

Okay...honestly? We might as well be 15 and in an online chat room asking "age/sex/location?" If you are interested in having a conversation with me and going on a date or two and THEN calling me sexy, then awesome. But you start out a conversation like that and all I hear is, "I want to boink you." Negative, my friend. Negative.

2. We get to the point to where we are talking back and forth and then this happens:

Not so random anymore Guy: "What are your measurements?"

REALLY?

Okay, so at first I thought that you actually wanted to get to know me as a person. Turns out that what you know (which is very little) is acceptable enough for you to want to sleep with me. NO THANK YOU. No, I will NOT tell you my measurements. And no, I will NOT keeping talking with you.

3. We have been talking for a few days and he has not called me sexy and has not asked my measurements...and then THIS happens:

Guy I've gotten to know a little but still is somewhat random: "Have you ever wanted to have a threesome?"

Good Lord. Really? Don't put on your profile that you are looking for a relationship and then ask me if I want to have a threesome. You are NOT looking for a relationship -- you are looking for someone who wants to have a sexual relationship with you and another man/woman.

4. So you get to the point where you have talked awhile, texted awhile and then actually met in person and then they get mad when you won't sleep with them right away. UGH. Sex. ALWAYS sex. Really? God forbid you talk with someone, go on a date with them and then actually get to know them before launching yourself onto them.

So this happens all the time. About 3 of the first scenario each day, and one of each of the others a week (although I have not gotten to the actual DATE stage yet, I remember it from my pre-baby days).

I just keep faith that through all the muck and mess and bad guys and weird guys and "you should never be allowed to say that" guys, there will be ONE good guy out there. One that will open doors for me, pull out my chair when we sit down to eat, help me put on my coat, will want to sit next to me in the booth when we go out to dinner, someone who makes me laugh until I cry and someone who will hold me when I want to cry without judgement. Someone who will not only be my boyfriend/husband but be my best friend. And I really have hope that I will find that when I look to my good friends and my parents. So...it is worth it all, in the end.

Right?

Right?

Right. :)

I Wish I Could Give You More...

Have you ever looked at your little, lovely, beautiful child and thought just that? Earlier this evening, I was snuggling with Emmalynn after giving her a stern talking to about following directions (which was followed up sobbing for at least 5 minutes...very dramatic!) and I said to her, "Emmalynn, Mommy loves you so much. I wish I could give you more."

I wish I could be completely, 100% financially sound and stable in my career of choice so that I could give her EVERYTHING she would need/want. I do not want to spoil her by any means, but I also don't want to have moments every few months when I wonder where I am going to find the money to buy her more diapers, milk, clothes, etc. And according to all the welfare guidelines, I make FAR too much to receive aid. And don't even get me started on my student loans and how in the world I afford any of those -- I could not even begin to tell you how I pay on the two that I owe right now other than the fact that I am beyond grateful that my other loans are still in deferment.

But I wish I could give Emmalynn a house -- somewhere with a yard where she can play outside. I wish I could give her a pool and playset in her backyard where she can play instead of a small little porch that barely fits her whale kiddie pool. I wish that I could have a bigger car (even though mine is completely paid off) to fit her and all our stuff more comfortably when we go on trips. I wish I could give her a home where there is a full time Mom and Dad. I have said many times before that I am so thankful for the situation that I am in and so grateful for such a good man to be my daughter's father to co-parent with and take this journey of raising a child with. But do I wish that she was growing up in a two parent home? Absolutely. I wish I could give her that. Maybe someday I will meet someone, get married and have more kids and those kids will be able to have what I was not able to give Emmalynn.

And then I think of everything I DO give Emmalynn -- a loving home, a loving mother and a loving father (even if they are not together), time with her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, trips to the zoo and science center to discover things and TIME. Although I never feel like I give her enough time, I give her all the time that I have when I can. And I don't really think you can put a price tag on that -- I think that the fact that I love her with every inch of my being and do the best I can for her at this moment in time, that is MORE than enough.

Photo credit: Thru the Lens Photography

The Zoo!

So Richard and I have ALWAYS loved taking Emmalynn to the zoo. There are so many things she discovers each and every time she goes to the zoo. Our local zoo is....small. But don't get me wrong -- I love it! I love that it is small not only because she sees things she likes and gets excited each time but also because it is small and takes about an hour to walk around. I cannot imagine going to the San Diego Zoo or the Omaha Zoo every weekend. I am sure I would adjust, but I have no idea how I would survive.

On the plus side, I would probably be more fit and lose more weight from all the walking and activity.

Maybe a move to Omaha or San Diego IS in order. :)

Anyway, we recently went to the Omaha Zoo on  Memorial Day and my first piece of advice for the Omaha Zoo -- don't go on a holiday. It was the only day I could go AND Richard could go that wasn't a Sunday, so I thought it would be a good idea. WRONG-O. It was PACKED not even 30 minutes after it opened.

With that being said, Emmalynn had an AWESOME time. So did I...and so did Richard! We LOVE going to the zoo and other museums. I guess that is the total bonus of Richard working for the Science Center -- we get a free pass to the zoo, science center, and other museums in Des Moines...PLUS free admission to other zoos and museums as well as half price admission to other places. I love it. LOVE it.

Here are some fun pictures from the zoo -- I am hoping we get to go again soon!!

Excited to leave and go to the Omaha Zoo!

Daddy and Emmalynn looking at an Alligator!!

Looking at the orangutan! He was just hanging out!

Stopping for a snack break!

Watching the Polar Bear get fed -- it was exciting (especially for Daddy! He practically RAN down to the bear exhibit so we could watch it!)

Waiting to ride the carousel! Emmalynn was SOOO excited!

Having so much fun on the carousel!

I have to say, we had a really great time! It was somewhat expensive...it was not free and was not cheap. But I say that we cannot get these days back -- Emmalynn will never be this age again and I want to do everything I can to make it memorable for her and memorable for US. It may be expensive and things may be tight for awhile, but to see her learning, discovering and enjoying herself...no amount of money is too much for that. I say that you cannot do too much...go to too many places...expose her to too much culture and learning. So if I had advice it would be to not worry about the money -- worry about the learning and the experience for your child. When that "light bulb" moment happens with your child...that is priceless. It really is. 

Resentment

It is so easy to become resentful of the other parent of your child. Even if you and your child's other parent are married (and happily), it is very easy to resent that person. I may not be married to Emmalynn's father, but he and I have a good relationship, as I have previously written about. But days like today, I resent him.

It is not for what you think; I do not resent him for not being with me or the three of us not being a family. I don't resent him for spending money on himself and not giving me money for Emmalynn (which he has never done, by the way -- always good with child support and anything else Em or I may need in between). Tonight, I resent him because he is not feeling well.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for him. I really do. No one likes to feel sick and all us women know that men are COMPLETE babies when they are sick. But let's get down to the nitty gritty -- I resent him for being sick because as a mother, I don't take "sick days." I can't say, "Hey...I have a headache. Can you go pick her up so I can rest?" As the custodial parent, I have chosen to have Emmalynn with me more than 50% of the time and taking full care of her. Richard sees her every Thursday and every other weekend, if not every weekend. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have called him (or any other family member up) and said, "I don't feel well, can you take care of Emmalynn?"

I resent how EASY it is for him to just say, "I'm not coming over -- my head hurts and I need to rest." I would feel loads of guilt if I did that -- not just because I am not with Emmalynn after being gone all day, but also because I would feel bad basically giving someone else (mainly Richard) no choice but to care for her...regardless of what his plans are. And trust me when I say that he has a lot more plans than I do. He is a military man -- very on schedule and does not waiver from that schedule. If he does, he is completely thrown off.

And just as quickly as I say I resent him for the convenience of being sick, I feel bad for even resenting him. How fair is that? He is sick and I am mad? And do I really have a RIGHT to be mad? It isn't time with ME that he is forfeiting -- it is time with his daughter. And although it may affect her in the long run, she won't remember how many days a week she saw her father when she was 18 months old. She knows who he is, knows that he loves her and she LOVES spending time with him.

And this just goes to show how EASY it is to resent our child's other parent -- whether it be our boyfriend, fiance, spouse or even "baby daddy," it is easy to do. Even when they aren't really do anything wrong! And then when they are doing something wrong...we question if they are really DOING something wrong. Does the complication ever end?

Probably not.

Something I have tried to do is take deep breaths and evaluate if it is REALLY a big deal. 99% of the time, the answer is no -- it is really NOT a big deal. But that is hard for me to do -- that is hard for ANYONE to do. For all of you parents out there who have this mastered, let me know your secret.

I guess the thing to remember is that our child has us as a loving parent and if we are lucky, at least one other parent who loves them as well. And as long as we are putting their interests above our own, that is all that matters -- all resentment aside.

Baby #2...?

This is going to be a very honest blog and very open for me...but I think it is something that not only I have thought about or dealt with.

I have at least a handful of friends who are currently expecting baby #2. I want to start out by saying this is WONDERFUL!!! I am so happy for them! My daughter is such a blessing and I know that they agree that their child and the one on the way is the best blessings in their lives. My friend Nicole told me she was expecting baby #2 at her son's 2nd birthday party (along with the rest of the party guests) and I started crying! I am so happy for her and her family...and all my other friends that are expecting baby #2!

With that being said...it is time to get honest about why I am even posting this blog. I remember thinking right after I had Emmalynn, "I want to do this again...now. I want to have another baby...and I could do it now." Of course, I could not FINANCIALLY do it now. That would be completely irresponsible. Nor do I have the space for another baby...and I didn't then either. Oh...and I should mention the ELEPHANT in the room -- I am not even DATING anyone...lol. Although Emmalynn's father is a great man and a great father, he and I are not together and us being together, let alone having another baby, it 100% unlikely.

But I would be lying if I said I did not envy my good, wonderful friends that are currently expecting or have already had their 2nd child. What I had always pictured was having my children closer together than my sister and I were. Although my sister and I grew up together, she was always more of a motherly figure than a sister. She took care of me (as she still does, most of the time) and made sure I was being good and all that stuff. As I grew older, we had our moments when she said I swore because I was bugging her and I got my mouth washed out with soap...or she made me open the Christmas presents she was getting and re-wrap them BEFORE Christmas...lol...but we did not have that playful bond that siblings close in age have. I wanted that for my children.

But that was not what happened. I met a man and was happily dating him, being treated better than I had ever been treated in a relationship, and we conceived a baby. And she is perfect and beautiful and I would NEVER change a thing.



But I ache to have a 2nd child. Ache. Desperately. I want to feel that baby in my belly again. I want to feel the joy of meeting that child for the first time and watching them grow and discover and experience life, just like I am watching Emmalynn do now. I want to be there for the good and the bad...and for Emmalynn to have a sibling close in age so that she has a playmate and a friend for life.

I understand that this is not in the cards. And I do not want to do it the same way I did it with Emmalynn -- I want to have a significant other that I know will be around and be with me for the rest of our lives. I want that person to want to have a child with me because of the love we have for each other. Unfortunately, that does not make me any less jealous of my friends that have that and are able to do that with their families.

I guess this is just something that comes with the "single mom" territory. One of the hardest parts -- even harder than doing this without a constant partner or the financial difficulties. I think the hardest thing for a single mom to face is that she may not ever have any more children because she may not find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

This makes me even more grateful for my beautiful Emmalynn Joy. I hope that I am able to cherish every moment of every day with her for the rest of her life...because she may be the only one I am able to do this with.

Everyone with one child or more should always count their blessings and thank God a million times a day for the beautiful children they have.




(All of these photos were taken by my good friend, Jamee. She has her own photography business, Thru the Lens Photography. If you like her photos, check her out on Facebook or ask me more!)

Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.

The Extra Skin...

So I have previously discussed the fact that I am actively trying to lose weight and as many people know, I am over 20 lbs down from what I was when I GOT pregnant. This is a big deal for me. And I get excited when I can fit into my Big Star jeans that I have not been able to wear for almost 4 years. No lie.

And then I get in the shower in the morning, look down, and there it is -- skin.

Not fat. Fat I can deal with. Fat goes away. It makes you smaller. It shrinks. Muscle replaces the fat. But skin...you are screwed. That stuff doesn't go away...it just HANGS there. And hangs. And hangs. And never shrinks...never goes away.

As you can tell, I am disgusted with this. Irritated. Pissed off. Livid. Resentful. Boo.

We can all agree that there can be extra skin and in fact, there usually IS extra skin. We love our babies more than anything but we hate the extra skin (not to mention possible stretch marks) our pregnancy leaves behind. I remember complaining about it right after I had Emmalynn and Richard said, "Katie, that shrinks back down. It will be fine. You aren't filling it with fat. Don't worry."

WRONG.

Here I am, 18 months later and losing weight and there is DEFINITELY extra skin now. So I would like to know -- what is the secret to shrinking your stretched-out pregnancy skin? Is there one? Are we just screwed because we were hugely pregnant?

I sure hope not. For all our sakes.

The American Dream?

I have come to a crossroads in my education. I have been in college since fall of 2003 and finished my BA in History in April of 2010. I then started my MA in Psychology through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology's online program in June of 2010. When the Spring of 2011 came, I started to re-evaluate what it was I wanted to do. Ultimately, I want to be a School Psychologist. But I really had no idea where I would start...and this led me to pursue my degree in Education -- my 2nd undergraduate degree.

Unfortunately for me, I have chosen very expensive schools in my journey of education and I knew from the very beginning of my 2nd bachelor's degree that I would not have enough financial aid left to finance the entire degree. At that time, I thought I could save money each month or I could save part of my tax money each year and be able to pay for the rest of my degree myself. After I finished my degree in secondary education and found a job (which I knew would probably not be right away), I would teach and get my foot in the door. By doing this, I would be able to have connections within different school districts and understand the best way to become a school psychologist and how I would go about contracting with school districts to do that.

But then life happened. Babies get sick, parents lose their jobs, unexpected bills take just about every extra penny you have. And now I have made the unbearable decision to withdrawal from school because I was not able to save up the money to finance my degree after my financial aid runs out and it was not be financially responsible of me to rack up a couple thousand more in debt just to not be able to finish until later anyway. And don't even get me started on how in the WORLD I am going to make my student loan payments.

But this leads me to discuss something I have discovered within the past few years and the reality of the "American Dream." In high school, you are encouraged to go to college and get your four year degree because THAT is what will get you a job, the husband/wife, the house with the white picket fence, etc. So we all do that - we go to college, get our degrees and then they tell us that if we want to make more money, we should go and get our master's and doctorate degrees. So we do that, too. All along the way, we have to use financial aid to finance this educational journey that has been presented to us, wrapped with big bows and the promise of money and happiness in life. While some of us are able to get grants and scholarships, many of us come to rely on student loans. And then after we get all our degrees, we are (on average) in debt $80,000...and with jobs that barely pay us $50,000/year...if not LESS. In this economy, it is SURELY less.

So....where is the dream? When do we get to the "financial independence" and "happy family" part of life?

We don't.

That is the ugly truth, folks...we don't get there. We struggle on a daily basis to pack back the loans that the American public and our leaders insisted we get to be able to advance ourselves and serve ourselves, our country, and our economy. And here we are, barely afloat. With no help. No resources. No understanding.

And our dreams? Forget about it. They are done...gone.

And this, of course, leads  me to question what it will be like when my daughter makes the decision to go to college. Although people say that a bachelor's degree is almost essential to getting a successful job these days, I would have to say that you should have even more than that. Which USUALLY means more debt. People say that you should start saving for your child's higher education when they are born...if not before they are born.

So...shoot for the moon kids!! Right??

Is this what it is coming to? EVERYONE should have the chance to have a higher education...but at a price? Is that what I am going to have to say to Emmalynn? I can see it now, "Baby...I am so proud that you got accepted to Yale but your financial aid and scholarships won't cover the cost and I can't afford it so either you get into a mountain of debt or you go to state school. Sorry, pumpkin."

How terrible. How awful.

How can we tell our children to shoot for their dreams when we are not sure we or they can afford them? Will it change? Will it not? I know all this sounds quite socialist but really...why is it okay to live in a country where you have to pay out of your behind for your education and then you don't get a job to help you pay the debt that you had no choice but to accrue to get your "ideal" job? When did education become a privilege and not a right? And how are we all going to explain this to our children?

I am hoping that in 18 years I won't HAVE to explain it to her -- that she will be able to get her higher education and it will be a right...not a privilege.

Just one more rant...

Something I should have added to the previous post, which is EQUALLY important, is this: the minute you start putting your significant other's interest over your own, aka doing everything you can to please them instead of making sure your child happy and healthy (both physically, emotionally and mentally), is the minute you should re-evaluate your relationship. Anyone who asks you to put them and their happiness/best interest over your child's is someone you should run FAR, FAR away from.

Period. The end.

The Importance of a Child's Father

For some, it is your husband. For others, your fiance or boyfriend. For some, it is your ex-boyfriend/husband or maybe for some, it is just your one night stand. Either way, a child's father plays an important role in their life. Not some people are as blessed as I am to have a GREAT baby daddy (he HATES it when I call him that...lol). As I have said before, he and I get along great and I would not trade him for the world...but let me take this moment to REALLY stop and say "thank you" to him...

I cannot BEGIN to thank Richard enough. Although it was just Emma and I during those first rough days and nights this week of Emmalynn's sickness (she has/had hand, foot and mouth disease...COMPLETELY awful)...he was here all weekend and helped me with her. Instead of getting frustrated when she cried and cried, he went into her room each time and rubbed her back until she fell back asleep. Instead of complaining about having to chase Emma around Pella and the dinosaur exhibit, he walked behind her and let her discover, while ensuring she was safe and not "running away." And he allowed me to just sit back and enjoy watching my daughter having fun with her father. THIS means the WORLD to  me.

Do not take this for granted, people! Don't take your child's father for granted...especially if they are a good one!! I know that sometimes parents do not always get along...and that makes it REALLY hard. There are some men out there that are good fathers but NOT so good people. And there are some mothers our there who are GREAT mothers but not so good people. I have known both.

But here is the most important piece of information I could ever tell anyone about raising a child: YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST.

I know it is hard to put aside your feelings -- how this person has hurt you or how they abandoned you (or even your child at some point). Those feelings are COMPLETELY normal. It is okay to be mad. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt. What is NOT okay is making your child suffer by not letting them see their father (or mother). Nothing is more selfish. Nothing. Using your child as collateral is not fair to the child...and not fair the parent. I think people seem to forget that by letting their feelings or resentment get in they way, they are punishing their CHILD so much more than they are punishing the child's other parent.

Honestly, the best thing Richard and I ever did was take a class (required by the courts in custody matters) called Children in the Middle. This class just solidified what I felt was correct all along. It is NOT about the pain and anger between you and the other parent. This is NOT about what they other person did or what they did not do. This is NOT about the lack of time they spent with you or what you think is the lack of time they spent with your family. This is about YOUR CHILD.

YOUR CHILD. YOUR BABY. THE LITTLEST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!

NOT about you. Ever. Never. Never about you.

The sooner people accept that, the better. I am not saying only women do this -- men do this too. But it is important to understand that the male figure in your child's life is positive. And that means no bad talking your child's other parent...even when you are married!! There are boundaries -- start setting them by NEVER bad mouthing your significant other or former significant other in front of your children. It is not their problem you are mad at each other or did not work out.

As you can tell, this is a BIG deal for me. It was a big deal before Emma was born and even before I got pregnant. PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. When you do...you will notice that not only your relationship with your child will be better, but your relationship with your child's other parent will be better, too.


If anything...just remember to put your child first. They deserve it...don't ya think??

The "Set-Up"

For those of you that don't know, I am a single Mom. While Emmalynn's father and I are good friends and get along great, we made the choice early in my pregnancy that being together would most likely not be best for our child. We were right. We did not want to push each other into anything we were both not ready for and resent each other for it later. And I am not going to lie, it was hard - especially during my pregnancy. There were times when I felt alone and abandoned. All the hormones running through me were heightening my emotions and my feelings. The entire time I KNEW that this was what was best for my child, but I also needed to work through my own emotions of being a single parent. I think more than anything it was about accepting the fact that what I had always seen for myself, what my parents had always envisioned for me, was not going to happen. I was not going to meet someone and date them for a year or two and fall madly in love and then get married and have kids. I am not saying that I may not have that someday, but I was doing it "backwards." I met someone and dated them for a few months and here I was, single and about to have a baby. It was a lot to accept and go through and my family, friends and especially Richard were so patient with me while I did. I just had to keep telling myself that my child needed to come first -- my emotions needed to be secondary to the well-being and happiness of my baby.

I also want to go on the record to say that Richard is anything but a jerk. He treated me better than any other man I had ever dated (or even have dated to this point). I have never had someone be so considerate of me -- opening doors, pulling out chairs, even helping me put  my coat on. Not to mention the fact that he bought me a dozen long stem roses for Valentine's Day when he barely had enough money to pay his own bills. He was always there for me and concerned about me. He had problems of his own, though...and it was something we could not pretend was not there. So we did what was best for all of us (in the long run) and made an adult decision.

I remember the day I went to tell him I was pregnant -- I was beyond terrified. I remember going to his apartment and just crying and crying and it was like he already knew what I was going to say. And I had prepared myself for him to say everything you can imagine -- the good and the bad. And he just said, "Katie...we are adults. If you want to keep this baby, I want to keep this baby. I will be there for you and our child however you need me." That is when I knew that no matter what happened between he and I, it was going to be okay. I was not going to be alone is raising this child. And I was right -- I am not alone. I  have a great co-parenting relationship with Richard and that is better than most people have in their marriage. I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life as Emmalynn's father and my friend.

But now that Emmalynn is almost 18 months old, the "setting up" has started to being. I have not dated anyone since Richard and I dated and that was about 2 years ago. And let me go on the record saying that I am TOTALLY fine with that. I appreciate the thought and I know that everyone is just trying to help and wants me to happy.

But here is the HONEST truth -- I AM happy :) I love my baby and I love all the time I get to spend with her. I love that on weekends, Richard, Emmalynn and I do family things like going to the zoo or having dinner or even just walks. I love that. I love that we are our own special kind of family. And of course I want to date and find someone and get married someday -- I still want that white wedding and prince charming :)

But I am okay right now :) I really am. Now, if I met someone and he asked me out and I was interested would I go? Absolutely. I have nothing holding me back from that. But am I actively going to seek a relationship? No. I don't feel like that is best for me OR my child. But I do have a few suggestions for other single Moms out there that are struggling with the idea of dating and having a child.

1. Be a Mom first -- always put the needs of your child over the needs of your dating life.

2. Remember, it is okay to think about yourself and to WANT to date.

3. Once you start to see someone, make sure things are serious and you know him and trust him 100% before you even CONSIDER him  meeting your child. I mean background check, credit check, sex offender registry check, the works.

4. After you know that this guy is a good guy and after a good amount of time of dating (at least 4-5 months, in my opinion), introduce your child to the guy. At the mall. Or at a park. For an hour. Not at your apartment/house/parent's house/anywhere the child feels is their home or territory. And keep it small for the first month or so -- an hour or two here or there. And then ease into it. There is no rush and if this guy is the one, he will respect that and maybe even love you more because you do it.

My point is, when I meet someone and they are the ONE for me, I want him to say, "I fell in love with you when I watched you be a Mom." I want him to love me for me as a person, but I want him to be IN love with me because of the mother I am to my child. And when I find the right man, I know that is what he will say.

Until then, all I need is me and my baby boo :)

I love her :)

That's all :)

Our Trips to the Store...

Last night, with a lack of something to do with Emma that was not in the house, I took her to Toys R Us.

Now, I am not stupid enough to think that I would get out of there not buying Emmalynn ANYTHING. That is just unrealistic. It is a TOY STORE. But I can usually work it so that we end up buying something small and under $10. I found a cute little Fisher Price remote control or "Smart Phone"...but none of those seem to do. It basically consisted of pointing and saying, "Mommy!" and me getting the toy down, her playing with it for a minute or so, handing it back to me, and then pointing at the next toy and the pattern begins again.

But last night, Emmalynn found the shopping cart aisle. There were some that were a $11-12 and had cardboard boxes in there, aka pretend food. THEN there are the "Emmalynn-sized" shopping carts that had MINNIE MOUSE of them. And this one was $20. So, I let her push it around...imitating me and having fun. I was hoping that by the time we got to the checkout, she would forget about it and find some other, smaller, CHEAPER toy that I would buy her.

That didn't happen.

So now, we have a $20 Minnie Mouse shopping cart at home. One that has to go just about everywhere with her. And if it doesn't...well...a fit ensues.

I always give my boss a hard time about buying stuff for her daughter. She is 4 and whenever they go to the store, little Addison makes out like a bandit with a bunch of stuff that she probably will forget she has in a day or so. BUT it keeps from the fit, right?

And then there is my other co-worker who buys an ADORABLE $38 Peek-A-Boo Bear that her daughter LOVES (and my daughter would, too...I honestly want to buy one...) but was WAY overpriced. Yet we do it and feel completely justified. They are our beautiful babies...they deserve it, right??

I guess it is fair to say that we can preach it all we want, but when it comes to a fit ensuing in the middle of the store or giving our child a $5 toy, we are most likely going to get them the $5 toy so we can get done what we need to. Maybe that is just the reality of it and the sooner we (I) accept it, the easier it will be!!