I wish I could be completely, 100% financially sound and stable in my career of choice so that I could give her EVERYTHING she would need/want. I do not want to spoil her by any means, but I also don't want to have moments every few months when I wonder where I am going to find the money to buy her more diapers, milk, clothes, etc. And according to all the welfare guidelines, I make FAR too much to receive aid. And don't even get me started on my student loans and how in the world I afford any of those -- I could not even begin to tell you how I pay on the two that I owe right now other than the fact that I am beyond grateful that my other loans are still in deferment.
But I wish I could give Emmalynn a house -- somewhere with a yard where she can play outside. I wish I could give her a pool and playset in her backyard where she can play instead of a small little porch that barely fits her whale kiddie pool. I wish that I could have a bigger car (even though mine is completely paid off) to fit her and all our stuff more comfortably when we go on trips. I wish I could give her a home where there is a full time Mom and Dad. I have said many times before that I am so thankful for the situation that I am in and so grateful for such a good man to be my daughter's father to co-parent with and take this journey of raising a child with. But do I wish that she was growing up in a two parent home? Absolutely. I wish I could give her that. Maybe someday I will meet someone, get married and have more kids and those kids will be able to have what I was not able to give Emmalynn.
And then I think of everything I DO give Emmalynn -- a loving home, a loving mother and a loving father (even if they are not together), time with her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, trips to the zoo and science center to discover things and TIME. Although I never feel like I give her enough time, I give her all the time that I have when I can. And I don't really think you can put a price tag on that -- I think that the fact that I love her with every inch of my being and do the best I can for her at this moment in time, that is MORE than enough.
Photo credit: Thru the Lens Photography
