The "Set-Up"

For those of you that don't know, I am a single Mom. While Emmalynn's father and I are good friends and get along great, we made the choice early in my pregnancy that being together would most likely not be best for our child. We were right. We did not want to push each other into anything we were both not ready for and resent each other for it later. And I am not going to lie, it was hard - especially during my pregnancy. There were times when I felt alone and abandoned. All the hormones running through me were heightening my emotions and my feelings. The entire time I KNEW that this was what was best for my child, but I also needed to work through my own emotions of being a single parent. I think more than anything it was about accepting the fact that what I had always seen for myself, what my parents had always envisioned for me, was not going to happen. I was not going to meet someone and date them for a year or two and fall madly in love and then get married and have kids. I am not saying that I may not have that someday, but I was doing it "backwards." I met someone and dated them for a few months and here I was, single and about to have a baby. It was a lot to accept and go through and my family, friends and especially Richard were so patient with me while I did. I just had to keep telling myself that my child needed to come first -- my emotions needed to be secondary to the well-being and happiness of my baby.

I also want to go on the record to say that Richard is anything but a jerk. He treated me better than any other man I had ever dated (or even have dated to this point). I have never had someone be so considerate of me -- opening doors, pulling out chairs, even helping me put  my coat on. Not to mention the fact that he bought me a dozen long stem roses for Valentine's Day when he barely had enough money to pay his own bills. He was always there for me and concerned about me. He had problems of his own, though...and it was something we could not pretend was not there. So we did what was best for all of us (in the long run) and made an adult decision.

I remember the day I went to tell him I was pregnant -- I was beyond terrified. I remember going to his apartment and just crying and crying and it was like he already knew what I was going to say. And I had prepared myself for him to say everything you can imagine -- the good and the bad. And he just said, "Katie...we are adults. If you want to keep this baby, I want to keep this baby. I will be there for you and our child however you need me." That is when I knew that no matter what happened between he and I, it was going to be okay. I was not going to be alone is raising this child. And I was right -- I am not alone. I  have a great co-parenting relationship with Richard and that is better than most people have in their marriage. I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life as Emmalynn's father and my friend.

But now that Emmalynn is almost 18 months old, the "setting up" has started to being. I have not dated anyone since Richard and I dated and that was about 2 years ago. And let me go on the record saying that I am TOTALLY fine with that. I appreciate the thought and I know that everyone is just trying to help and wants me to happy.

But here is the HONEST truth -- I AM happy :) I love my baby and I love all the time I get to spend with her. I love that on weekends, Richard, Emmalynn and I do family things like going to the zoo or having dinner or even just walks. I love that. I love that we are our own special kind of family. And of course I want to date and find someone and get married someday -- I still want that white wedding and prince charming :)

But I am okay right now :) I really am. Now, if I met someone and he asked me out and I was interested would I go? Absolutely. I have nothing holding me back from that. But am I actively going to seek a relationship? No. I don't feel like that is best for me OR my child. But I do have a few suggestions for other single Moms out there that are struggling with the idea of dating and having a child.

1. Be a Mom first -- always put the needs of your child over the needs of your dating life.

2. Remember, it is okay to think about yourself and to WANT to date.

3. Once you start to see someone, make sure things are serious and you know him and trust him 100% before you even CONSIDER him  meeting your child. I mean background check, credit check, sex offender registry check, the works.

4. After you know that this guy is a good guy and after a good amount of time of dating (at least 4-5 months, in my opinion), introduce your child to the guy. At the mall. Or at a park. For an hour. Not at your apartment/house/parent's house/anywhere the child feels is their home or territory. And keep it small for the first month or so -- an hour or two here or there. And then ease into it. There is no rush and if this guy is the one, he will respect that and maybe even love you more because you do it.

My point is, when I meet someone and they are the ONE for me, I want him to say, "I fell in love with you when I watched you be a Mom." I want him to love me for me as a person, but I want him to be IN love with me because of the mother I am to my child. And when I find the right man, I know that is what he will say.

Until then, all I need is me and my baby boo :)

I love her :)

That's all :)

Our Trips to the Store...

Last night, with a lack of something to do with Emma that was not in the house, I took her to Toys R Us.

Now, I am not stupid enough to think that I would get out of there not buying Emmalynn ANYTHING. That is just unrealistic. It is a TOY STORE. But I can usually work it so that we end up buying something small and under $10. I found a cute little Fisher Price remote control or "Smart Phone"...but none of those seem to do. It basically consisted of pointing and saying, "Mommy!" and me getting the toy down, her playing with it for a minute or so, handing it back to me, and then pointing at the next toy and the pattern begins again.

But last night, Emmalynn found the shopping cart aisle. There were some that were a $11-12 and had cardboard boxes in there, aka pretend food. THEN there are the "Emmalynn-sized" shopping carts that had MINNIE MOUSE of them. And this one was $20. So, I let her push it around...imitating me and having fun. I was hoping that by the time we got to the checkout, she would forget about it and find some other, smaller, CHEAPER toy that I would buy her.

That didn't happen.

So now, we have a $20 Minnie Mouse shopping cart at home. One that has to go just about everywhere with her. And if it doesn't...well...a fit ensues.

I always give my boss a hard time about buying stuff for her daughter. She is 4 and whenever they go to the store, little Addison makes out like a bandit with a bunch of stuff that she probably will forget she has in a day or so. BUT it keeps from the fit, right?

And then there is my other co-worker who buys an ADORABLE $38 Peek-A-Boo Bear that her daughter LOVES (and my daughter would, too...I honestly want to buy one...) but was WAY overpriced. Yet we do it and feel completely justified. They are our beautiful babies...they deserve it, right??

I guess it is fair to say that we can preach it all we want, but when it comes to a fit ensuing in the middle of the store or giving our child a $5 toy, we are most likely going to get them the $5 toy so we can get done what we need to. Maybe that is just the reality of it and the sooner we (I) accept it, the easier it will be!!

What Should A Mom Do?

I am afraid I am at crossroads.

I know that I have mentioned that I have a back condition before. It is called Spondylolisthesis. It is basically a break between my L5 and S1 bones in my back and the disc is being pinched because of the pressure of the break. It is something that 5% of people are born with. Some people never have any symptoms and live a pain free life. (If you are medically curious, this is a great website to reference: http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00053)

Well, those people are either men or childless women. Getting pregnant put pressure on my back because my back had to support more weight in the front. And now the pain has built a nice little cement house and is not going anywhere anytime soon. And it hurts -- a lot. I have seen an orthopedic surgeon and this is something that will eventually need surgery. It is just up to me to tell him that enough is enough and I cannot take it anymore.

This is my dilemma. Is the pain enough? Absolutely. I am tired of barely being able to get out of bed and feeling like I can't take care of my child. And I hate taking meds just as much because it makes me foggy and unable to take care of Emmalynn. So the only option sounds like surgery, right?

I wish it was that simple. When I have the surgery, I am out of work for 4 weeks then part time for 2 weeks. Although I am grateful for work and insurance, I would only be getting 67% of my pay for the time I am gone from my surgery. Unfortunately, it would be cutting it REALLY close in terms of budget. But here is the big deal for me" I cannot pick up my baby for almost 6 weeks. As the surgeon said, I cannot be the primary caregiver for my child for 6 weeks. I am not saying her father and my parents cannot help. I know they can. But I love taking her places and being apart of her life every day. It may be what is best for me physically...but is it what is best for me emotionally?

Here I go again -- putting holding my child for 6 weeks over a lifetime of pain. I'm not saying I will NEVER get this surgery, but I would really like to put it off until my child is...say...in college? Is that too much to ask? Yeah...I suppose it is.

I am hoping I am not the only Mom out there who struggles with this kind of stuff. I know I am most likely not...but it feels pretty lonely! So what should a Mom do? Should I put myself first and just suck it up? Or should I just put it off until I cannot move? Ugh. I have a feeling I will never be satisfied with the answers I give myself or anyone else gives me.

Vacation Epiphany

On Monday, I got home from my 4 day stay in Colorado. Let me just say that going there was exactly what I needed; I need to see my best friend, her love and their little baby Stella. I needed the time away to just clear my head. And coming home has brought to my attention several different things:

1. I love Colorado. I LOVE it. When I say I want to move there someday, I am not lying. If I could move there tomorrow, I would. Of course, nothing is as simple as that. But if I could, I would. When I got home and was driving from the airport home, I started to head west and I did not see the mountains and I felt my heart sink. To say that I feel like Colorado is somewhere I want to live is an understatement...and I really hope I am able to do it someday (sooner would be better than later!).

2. I have to cut myself some slack. I have been used to living up to this person -- the one who can do it all. After I left Central College in 2006, I started to work full time, which I did until I graduated in 2010. And I didn't stop there -- even though I was pregnant, I started graduate school in June of 2010 and continued that for year until I decided that teaching is what is really my passion. So I was used to working full time, usually with a part time job as well, and being a full time student. THEN I got used to being pregnant, working full time and being a full time GRADUATE student. And then I was a single mom, full time student and working full time. More than once, the people close to me would say I reminded them of Sarah Jessica Parker's character in the movie, "I Don't Know How She Does It." And honestly...I don't know how I did it, either. I STILL don't know how I did it.

But with my Dad losing his job and my parents needing my help, things have been even crazier. Now I want to take this opportunity to say that my parents have helped me out time and time again...I do not have an issue helping them. I am glad that I am able to help them. But it has definitely added stress to my life. And it is just what tipped me over the edge and gave me a reality check: I am NOT superwoman...nor is anyone expecting me to be. It is okay for me to say I cannot do it all. It is okay for me to admit that it is hard and I am stressed. It is okay for me to take a break from school. IT IS OKAY.

3. I need to get my life in order. I need to take ahold of my debt and start making sure it goes away. I want to set a good financial example for Emmalynn and the only way I can do it is to make sure that I model that, starting now. Hopefully I am able to do this with the help of family, friends and of course, financial counselors.

I guess the point of this blog entry is to show you that you CANNOT do it all. It is OKAY to admit that it is too much. And not only working Moms have this problem -- I know that many stay at home moms also feel this pressure to do everything and be everything. I feel like it is a double edge sword -- Moms that are Working Moms are always feeling guilty that they are not able to stay home with their kids. They are missing out on the first crawls, their first words, their first steps. Working Moms feel as though they are missing out on...everything. And then there are Stay At Home Moms -- although they are at home, raising their children and taking care of the home, they feel that guilt -- am I doing enough? Am I contributing enough? Should they be in daycare for more socialization? No matter WHAT you do...as a Mom, we never feel as though we are doing enough.

So I hope that you are having your "I don't have to be superwoman" epiphany soon. I am glad I had mine.

Those First Nights Away...

I started a new job at a bank in June of last year and along with that, I had to go to Omaha for one day of training. I had the option of driving the morning of or driving there the night before, staying in a hotel (FOR FREE) and then going to the orientation. Being that I am REALLY not a morning person, I decided to go the night before. But there was a catch...

It was my first night without my baby girl :(

I remember packing and holding back my tears. And then when it came time to say goodbye, I was SOBBING. I mean, it was just one night! How crazy am I!?! And I went to the car and Richard put Emmalynn in the pack n play and followed me out. This put a damper on my plan to sit in my car, in the parking spot, and cry my eyes out for the next 20-30 minutes. So, I pulled out of the parking spot, drove down the drive, parked in a spot he could  not see, and sobbed for the next 15 minutes.

Then I thought I could go and be okay.

I proceeded to cry until I was about half way to Omaha.

Richard really was great -- he sent me pictures of her before she went to bed, when she got up in the morning, when he dropped her off at my sister's and everything in between.

It was at that moment I knew that if Richard was EVER going to take Emmalynn for a night and on the weekends, I would have to learn to cope with not being with my baby.

That has not gone so well.

For the second time, I am leaving Emmalynn for the night tomorrow night. And for the next 3 nights. My best friend had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago, Stella Lyna. I am going out to Colorado Springs starting tomorrow and coming back Monday afternoon. And just thinking about the time away from my baby hurts my insides. Of course, I have thought over and over again that I could just take her with me -- she is under 2 years old and could sit on my lap, no ticket needed. But then I remember WHY I am going to see my best friend and her beautiful baby: to help my friend in any way she needs it and to snuggle with my new "niece." If Emmalynn was there, I would not be able to give either of them my full attention. It just wouldn't happen. So I know that her going with me is not a good choice.

But I am going to miss her. So. Much.

I wish this goes away...but I have a feeling it does not. I am always going to miss my baby. And that is okay -- I think that makes me a good Mom. I think it makes me a BETTER Mom to be able to let go and say that I need this time without her and she needs this time with her father.

But I am sure I will sob for at least an hour when they drop me off at the airport.

But that's okay. It really is okay.

:)