Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.

The Extra Skin...

So I have previously discussed the fact that I am actively trying to lose weight and as many people know, I am over 20 lbs down from what I was when I GOT pregnant. This is a big deal for me. And I get excited when I can fit into my Big Star jeans that I have not been able to wear for almost 4 years. No lie.

And then I get in the shower in the morning, look down, and there it is -- skin.

Not fat. Fat I can deal with. Fat goes away. It makes you smaller. It shrinks. Muscle replaces the fat. But skin...you are screwed. That stuff doesn't go away...it just HANGS there. And hangs. And hangs. And never shrinks...never goes away.

As you can tell, I am disgusted with this. Irritated. Pissed off. Livid. Resentful. Boo.

We can all agree that there can be extra skin and in fact, there usually IS extra skin. We love our babies more than anything but we hate the extra skin (not to mention possible stretch marks) our pregnancy leaves behind. I remember complaining about it right after I had Emmalynn and Richard said, "Katie, that shrinks back down. It will be fine. You aren't filling it with fat. Don't worry."

WRONG.

Here I am, 18 months later and losing weight and there is DEFINITELY extra skin now. So I would like to know -- what is the secret to shrinking your stretched-out pregnancy skin? Is there one? Are we just screwed because we were hugely pregnant?

I sure hope not. For all our sakes.

The American Dream?

I have come to a crossroads in my education. I have been in college since fall of 2003 and finished my BA in History in April of 2010. I then started my MA in Psychology through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology's online program in June of 2010. When the Spring of 2011 came, I started to re-evaluate what it was I wanted to do. Ultimately, I want to be a School Psychologist. But I really had no idea where I would start...and this led me to pursue my degree in Education -- my 2nd undergraduate degree.

Unfortunately for me, I have chosen very expensive schools in my journey of education and I knew from the very beginning of my 2nd bachelor's degree that I would not have enough financial aid left to finance the entire degree. At that time, I thought I could save money each month or I could save part of my tax money each year and be able to pay for the rest of my degree myself. After I finished my degree in secondary education and found a job (which I knew would probably not be right away), I would teach and get my foot in the door. By doing this, I would be able to have connections within different school districts and understand the best way to become a school psychologist and how I would go about contracting with school districts to do that.

But then life happened. Babies get sick, parents lose their jobs, unexpected bills take just about every extra penny you have. And now I have made the unbearable decision to withdrawal from school because I was not able to save up the money to finance my degree after my financial aid runs out and it was not be financially responsible of me to rack up a couple thousand more in debt just to not be able to finish until later anyway. And don't even get me started on how in the WORLD I am going to make my student loan payments.

But this leads me to discuss something I have discovered within the past few years and the reality of the "American Dream." In high school, you are encouraged to go to college and get your four year degree because THAT is what will get you a job, the husband/wife, the house with the white picket fence, etc. So we all do that - we go to college, get our degrees and then they tell us that if we want to make more money, we should go and get our master's and doctorate degrees. So we do that, too. All along the way, we have to use financial aid to finance this educational journey that has been presented to us, wrapped with big bows and the promise of money and happiness in life. While some of us are able to get grants and scholarships, many of us come to rely on student loans. And then after we get all our degrees, we are (on average) in debt $80,000...and with jobs that barely pay us $50,000/year...if not LESS. In this economy, it is SURELY less.

So....where is the dream? When do we get to the "financial independence" and "happy family" part of life?

We don't.

That is the ugly truth, folks...we don't get there. We struggle on a daily basis to pack back the loans that the American public and our leaders insisted we get to be able to advance ourselves and serve ourselves, our country, and our economy. And here we are, barely afloat. With no help. No resources. No understanding.

And our dreams? Forget about it. They are done...gone.

And this, of course, leads  me to question what it will be like when my daughter makes the decision to go to college. Although people say that a bachelor's degree is almost essential to getting a successful job these days, I would have to say that you should have even more than that. Which USUALLY means more debt. People say that you should start saving for your child's higher education when they are born...if not before they are born.

So...shoot for the moon kids!! Right??

Is this what it is coming to? EVERYONE should have the chance to have a higher education...but at a price? Is that what I am going to have to say to Emmalynn? I can see it now, "Baby...I am so proud that you got accepted to Yale but your financial aid and scholarships won't cover the cost and I can't afford it so either you get into a mountain of debt or you go to state school. Sorry, pumpkin."

How terrible. How awful.

How can we tell our children to shoot for their dreams when we are not sure we or they can afford them? Will it change? Will it not? I know all this sounds quite socialist but really...why is it okay to live in a country where you have to pay out of your behind for your education and then you don't get a job to help you pay the debt that you had no choice but to accrue to get your "ideal" job? When did education become a privilege and not a right? And how are we all going to explain this to our children?

I am hoping that in 18 years I won't HAVE to explain it to her -- that she will be able to get her higher education and it will be a right...not a privilege.

Just one more rant...

Something I should have added to the previous post, which is EQUALLY important, is this: the minute you start putting your significant other's interest over your own, aka doing everything you can to please them instead of making sure your child happy and healthy (both physically, emotionally and mentally), is the minute you should re-evaluate your relationship. Anyone who asks you to put them and their happiness/best interest over your child's is someone you should run FAR, FAR away from.

Period. The end.

The Importance of a Child's Father

For some, it is your husband. For others, your fiance or boyfriend. For some, it is your ex-boyfriend/husband or maybe for some, it is just your one night stand. Either way, a child's father plays an important role in their life. Not some people are as blessed as I am to have a GREAT baby daddy (he HATES it when I call him that...lol). As I have said before, he and I get along great and I would not trade him for the world...but let me take this moment to REALLY stop and say "thank you" to him...

I cannot BEGIN to thank Richard enough. Although it was just Emma and I during those first rough days and nights this week of Emmalynn's sickness (she has/had hand, foot and mouth disease...COMPLETELY awful)...he was here all weekend and helped me with her. Instead of getting frustrated when she cried and cried, he went into her room each time and rubbed her back until she fell back asleep. Instead of complaining about having to chase Emma around Pella and the dinosaur exhibit, he walked behind her and let her discover, while ensuring she was safe and not "running away." And he allowed me to just sit back and enjoy watching my daughter having fun with her father. THIS means the WORLD to  me.

Do not take this for granted, people! Don't take your child's father for granted...especially if they are a good one!! I know that sometimes parents do not always get along...and that makes it REALLY hard. There are some men out there that are good fathers but NOT so good people. And there are some mothers our there who are GREAT mothers but not so good people. I have known both.

But here is the most important piece of information I could ever tell anyone about raising a child: YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST.

I know it is hard to put aside your feelings -- how this person has hurt you or how they abandoned you (or even your child at some point). Those feelings are COMPLETELY normal. It is okay to be mad. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt. What is NOT okay is making your child suffer by not letting them see their father (or mother). Nothing is more selfish. Nothing. Using your child as collateral is not fair to the child...and not fair the parent. I think people seem to forget that by letting their feelings or resentment get in they way, they are punishing their CHILD so much more than they are punishing the child's other parent.

Honestly, the best thing Richard and I ever did was take a class (required by the courts in custody matters) called Children in the Middle. This class just solidified what I felt was correct all along. It is NOT about the pain and anger between you and the other parent. This is NOT about what they other person did or what they did not do. This is NOT about the lack of time they spent with you or what you think is the lack of time they spent with your family. This is about YOUR CHILD.

YOUR CHILD. YOUR BABY. THE LITTLEST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!

NOT about you. Ever. Never. Never about you.

The sooner people accept that, the better. I am not saying only women do this -- men do this too. But it is important to understand that the male figure in your child's life is positive. And that means no bad talking your child's other parent...even when you are married!! There are boundaries -- start setting them by NEVER bad mouthing your significant other or former significant other in front of your children. It is not their problem you are mad at each other or did not work out.

As you can tell, this is a BIG deal for me. It was a big deal before Emma was born and even before I got pregnant. PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. When you do...you will notice that not only your relationship with your child will be better, but your relationship with your child's other parent will be better, too.


If anything...just remember to put your child first. They deserve it...don't ya think??