Tuesday, November 27, 2012

What Are We Afraid Of?

The older Emmalynn gets, the more I consider her development, both socially and physically, and how the events that are currently taking place are going to effect her in the long run. So here are a few things that I have feared or that my friend's fear could happen with their children.

1. Are the educational programs she is watching really teaching her anything? Or is she just staring at the colors, hypnotized by the pixels and in fact, learning nothing?

I have often asked myself these questions, especially with all the current research about children watching TV. The media has a strong influence on older children and adolescents and it makes me wonder how much influence it has on my toddler. The other night, we were watching Dora the Explorer (which makes me want to punch myself in the face but Emmalynn seems to like) and when Dora asked if Swiper the Fox was anywhere to be seen. Emmalynn ran up the TV and pointed to where Swiper was and then when Dora asked her to say "Swiper No Swiping!", she said it in UNISON with Dora and Boots and even put her little hand up like both of the characters do. So I just found my answer -- she DOES learn something from educational television. She DOES love it for the colors as well. And does the media effect her? Absolutely. As a parent, we cannot shield our children from all the bad things in the world, and that includes what they see on TV. However, we can do our best to ensure that what they are watching is not damaging to them and is either neutral, or they are learning something. Honestly, I am just happy she is learning new things that are helping her develop -- regardless of where it comes from. And I don't think that makes me a bad Mom, either. She watches TV and learns colors, shapes, directions, how to be kind, etc. I don't feel bad about those things or the fact that she watches TV at all. And if you child does this, I don't think you should either. The shows they watch on Nick Jr, Sprout, or Disney Junior are teaching them things -- what does it matter that it comes from a TV show if they are learning? It doesn't. Don't punish yourself.

2. How is Emmalynn's father and I not being together going to effect Emmalynn's development and her perception of what a family is "supposed" to be like? Even though we are civil and on good terms, are we doing more damage than good?

There is no way for me to know this. I could sit and ruminate about this all day but I am really never going to know the effects of this arrangement. In fact, she will never know anything different. The probability that this will have a negative effect on her and make her resent us is highly unlikely. If she were older and we separated after she would remember, that would be different. But I cannot sit around and wonder how something is going to effect her or if I am screwing her up for the future. Here is my theory: we are all screwed up because of our parents. Most of the time it is not intentional -- I would say that a good majority of parents have their child's best interest at heart. However, we learn more from our parents actions and less from their words. When we have shortcomings or insecurities, it is usually from our parents. So I can worry about it as much as I would like but that is not going to make a difference. All I can do (and all of us can do) is be the best parent possible and hope that our actions do not screw up our children too much. And you know what? It is okay if they are a bit screwed up -- it makes family gatherings interesting, right? :)

3. If my child plays alone and does not interact well with other kids, are they going to grow up to be a bully/school shooter/serial killer?

Okay. I get it. We worry about how our children act now and look towards the future and identify warning signs. That is what we do as parents. However, a serial killer usually has something happen in their childhood that causes them to become a sociopath. It is highly unlikely that a child that comes from a loving, caring and "normal" home will turn out to be a school shooter or a serial killer. I read a study that was done on sociopaths that showed that many serial killers/sociopaths have a special gene and an underdeveloped brain which causes them to act more on impulse instead of having impulse control. It was also shown that people who had this gene and mutation in their brain that came from a loving, caring and accepting home environment did not end up being serial killers. Keep in mind that no matter how great of an influence nature has on a person, the nurture of that life helps to shape who that person will become. Here is the point: we just do the best we can to show our children love, teach them strong morals and lay a good foundation for them to be caring, respectful adults. None of us can tell what the future holds, but we can do everything in our control and power to bring up the best children we can. If you sit around and worry about things you have no control over, you are letting worry and fear live in your head rent free. How about we free up that space and energy for our children NOW? Do our best to live in the present instead of worrying and being fearful of something that has not happened yet? I think so.

Those are the three BIG ones for me. They are tough for all of us. But we cannot sit around worrying about things we do not have control over. We need to be with our children in the here and now -- worry about the present or the immediate future. Worry about the rest when it gets here. Understand the signs of trouble and pay close attention to them. Be the best parent you can be IN THE PRESENT. Be with your child or children IN THE PRESENT. You do the best thing you can for your NOW -- don't worry about things that have not happened yet through irrational fears.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Things I have learned since I last blogged...

I have spent quite some time away but it was not on purpose -- I just got really busy and in all honesty, my world got turned upside down!

Here are some things I have learned since the last time I blogged...

- Dating is not so bad as I thought it was. In fact, sometimes it works out in your favor. If anything, you meet new people, make new friends, and do something for YOURSELF.

- My child has learned several new words and sayings. Her recent favorite is "Come back here! Come back here now!" And she also has a flair for the dramatic. When the gate is put up at the top of the stairs, Emmalynn will see it and dramatically say, "No, no, no, no, nooooo!" To say I have an independent child is an understatement.

- Jumping on an air-filled pillow when you have a back condition is not a good idea. I have been in pain all around my back since Saturday afternoon. Not cool.

- The fact that Emmalynn has started to go to her Dad's every Thursday and every other weekend now has made me cherish my time with her so much more. I try not to waste a single minute and to play and watch movies and just love on her while I can. It makes me appreciate what a beautiful little girl I have even more than I already did. It is hard, but it is a blessing in disguise.

- Laughter is the best medicine -- when I was having hard times, my best friends made me laugh so hard that my stomach hurt. I appreciate them more than they will ever know.

- Moving sucks. Hardcore sucks. I hate it. Literally. I am not moving again until I get married. You think I am kidding...I am not. But I am SO thankful for all the church friends my parents had come and help us. Because of them we are in our new home and it is starting to feel like an actual HOME.

- I have about 5 friends having babies within the next few months (if not DAYS!). I am so excited to hold beautiful, new little babies...and give them back to their parents :) I am totally at peace with the fact that I don't know when I am going to have more kids or get married. I have nothing but joy for anyone expecting their second child and I just hold hope that in the future, I will get married and have more babies...with the right person and the right way :)

And I will leave you with images from the time I have been away -- I am sure there are a lot of them so I hope you like pictures :)

                                                            Emmalynn at Night Eyes!


                                           Jessica and I at her wedding -- perfect moment!!

 
Emmalynn and I at Night Eyes!

 
Emmalynn playing at her birthday party -- the parachute was awesome!!

 
Auntie Krista, Stella, Emmalynn and I at Night Eyes


                                               Stella and I at Emmalynn's Birthday Party!

 
Emmalynn and Ardyn at the Minnesota Zoo -- soo cute, right?

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Back to Dating?

So as a single mom, I have to deal with something that I hate to deal with: going back to dating. It has been almost 2 years since I had Emmalynn and since I was pregnant for just over 37 weeks, you can imagine how long it has been since I have been on a "date". Quite awhile. And to be honest, the thought of going on a date or dating again is completely EXHAUSTING. It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte exclaims that she has been dating since she was 15 years old and is completely exhausted (not to mention the crazy hair, blochy face, and general hot mess that she was as she was saying this).

But that is absolutely how I feel. It is completely exhausting. There are so many guys out there that a girl has to weed through to get to one good one -- and that one good one may not even be "the one". I am sure guys feel the same way (maybe...) but as a single mom, a whole new aspect rolls into this "dating" thing -- my child. Since my life is my child and ensuring she is safe, fed, and happy, I do not really "go out" anymore. Paired with that and the fact that 90% of my friend are married and have children of their own explains why I do not "go out and socialize" anymore. For me, socializing has become playdates and gymnastics class and birthday parties. It is just the "nature of the beast" if you will. So because of this fact, I have joined 3 unnamed dating website services. Now, I am not exactly expecting to find Prince Charming. However, I am hoping to find someone that makes me happy and helps me to learn more about myself and more about relationships. But there are problems with this just like there are problems with trying to find your husband in a bar. The following are some of my biggest problems with not only online dating, but dating again.

1. Here is what I find in my inbox at least 3 times a day:

Random Guy: "Hey sexy"

Okay...honestly? We might as well be 15 and in an online chat room asking "age/sex/location?" If you are interested in having a conversation with me and going on a date or two and THEN calling me sexy, then awesome. But you start out a conversation like that and all I hear is, "I want to boink you." Negative, my friend. Negative.

2. We get to the point to where we are talking back and forth and then this happens:

Not so random anymore Guy: "What are your measurements?"

REALLY?

Okay, so at first I thought that you actually wanted to get to know me as a person. Turns out that what you know (which is very little) is acceptable enough for you to want to sleep with me. NO THANK YOU. No, I will NOT tell you my measurements. And no, I will NOT keeping talking with you.

3. We have been talking for a few days and he has not called me sexy and has not asked my measurements...and then THIS happens:

Guy I've gotten to know a little but still is somewhat random: "Have you ever wanted to have a threesome?"

Good Lord. Really? Don't put on your profile that you are looking for a relationship and then ask me if I want to have a threesome. You are NOT looking for a relationship -- you are looking for someone who wants to have a sexual relationship with you and another man/woman.

4. So you get to the point where you have talked awhile, texted awhile and then actually met in person and then they get mad when you won't sleep with them right away. UGH. Sex. ALWAYS sex. Really? God forbid you talk with someone, go on a date with them and then actually get to know them before launching yourself onto them.

So this happens all the time. About 3 of the first scenario each day, and one of each of the others a week (although I have not gotten to the actual DATE stage yet, I remember it from my pre-baby days).

I just keep faith that through all the muck and mess and bad guys and weird guys and "you should never be allowed to say that" guys, there will be ONE good guy out there. One that will open doors for me, pull out my chair when we sit down to eat, help me put on my coat, will want to sit next to me in the booth when we go out to dinner, someone who makes me laugh until I cry and someone who will hold me when I want to cry without judgement. Someone who will not only be my boyfriend/husband but be my best friend. And I really have hope that I will find that when I look to my good friends and my parents. So...it is worth it all, in the end.

Right?

Right?

Right. :)

Sunday, June 10, 2012

I Wish I Could Give You More...

Have you ever looked at your little, lovely, beautiful child and thought just that? Earlier this evening, I was snuggling with Emmalynn after giving her a stern talking to about following directions (which was followed up sobbing for at least 5 minutes...very dramatic!) and I said to her, "Emmalynn, Mommy loves you so much. I wish I could give you more."

I wish I could be completely, 100% financially sound and stable in my career of choice so that I could give her EVERYTHING she would need/want. I do not want to spoil her by any means, but I also don't want to have moments every few months when I wonder where I am going to find the money to buy her more diapers, milk, clothes, etc. And according to all the welfare guidelines, I make FAR too much to receive aid. And don't even get me started on my student loans and how in the world I afford any of those -- I could not even begin to tell you how I pay on the two that I owe right now other than the fact that I am beyond grateful that my other loans are still in deferment.

But I wish I could give Emmalynn a house -- somewhere with a yard where she can play outside. I wish I could give her a pool and playset in her backyard where she can play instead of a small little porch that barely fits her whale kiddie pool. I wish that I could have a bigger car (even though mine is completely paid off) to fit her and all our stuff more comfortably when we go on trips. I wish I could give her a home where there is a full time Mom and Dad. I have said many times before that I am so thankful for the situation that I am in and so grateful for such a good man to be my daughter's father to co-parent with and take this journey of raising a child with. But do I wish that she was growing up in a two parent home? Absolutely. I wish I could give her that. Maybe someday I will meet someone, get married and have more kids and those kids will be able to have what I was not able to give Emmalynn.

And then I think of everything I DO give Emmalynn -- a loving home, a loving mother and a loving father (even if they are not together), time with her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, trips to the zoo and science center to discover things and TIME. Although I never feel like I give her enough time, I give her all the time that I have when I can. And I don't really think you can put a price tag on that -- I think that the fact that I love her with every inch of my being and do the best I can for her at this moment in time, that is MORE than enough.

Photo credit: Thru the Lens Photography

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Zoo!

So Richard and I have ALWAYS loved taking Emmalynn to the zoo. There are so many things she discovers each and every time she goes to the zoo. Our local zoo is....small. But don't get me wrong -- I love it! I love that it is small not only because she sees things she likes and gets excited each time but also because it is small and takes about an hour to walk around. I cannot imagine going to the San Diego Zoo or the Omaha Zoo every weekend. I am sure I would adjust, but I have no idea how I would survive.

On the plus side, I would probably be more fit and lose more weight from all the walking and activity.

Maybe a move to Omaha or San Diego IS in order. :)

Anyway, we recently went to the Omaha Zoo on  Memorial Day and my first piece of advice for the Omaha Zoo -- don't go on a holiday. It was the only day I could go AND Richard could go that wasn't a Sunday, so I thought it would be a good idea. WRONG-O. It was PACKED not even 30 minutes after it opened.

With that being said, Emmalynn had an AWESOME time. So did I...and so did Richard! We LOVE going to the zoo and other museums. I guess that is the total bonus of Richard working for the Science Center -- we get a free pass to the zoo, science center, and other museums in Des Moines...PLUS free admission to other zoos and museums as well as half price admission to other places. I love it. LOVE it.

Here are some fun pictures from the zoo -- I am hoping we get to go again soon!!


Excited to leave and go to the Omaha Zoo!


Daddy and Emmalynn looking at an Alligator!!


Looking at the orangutan! He was just hanging out!


Stopping for a snack break!


Watching the Polar Bear get fed -- it was exciting (especially for Daddy! He practically RAN down to the bear exhibit so we could watch it!)


Waiting to ride the carousel! Emmalynn was SOOO excited!


Having so much fun on the carousel!


I have to say, we had a really great time! It was somewhat expensive...it was not free and was not cheap. But I say that we cannot get these days back -- Emmalynn will never be this age again and I want to do everything I can to make it memorable for her and memorable for US. It may be expensive and things may be tight for awhile, but to see her learning, discovering and enjoying herself...no amount of money is too much for that. I say that you cannot do too much...go to too many places...expose her to too much culture and learning. So if I had advice it would be to not worry about the money -- worry about the learning and the experience for your child. When that "light bulb" moment happens with your child...that is priceless. It really is. 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Resentment

It is so easy to become resentful of the other parent of your child. Even if you and your child's other parent are married (and happily), it is very easy to resent that person. I may not be married to Emmalynn's father, but he and I have a good relationship, as I have previously written about. But days like today, I resent him.

It is not for what you think; I do not resent him for not being with me or the three of us not being a family. I don't resent him for spending money on himself and not giving me money for Emmalynn (which he has never done, by the way -- always good with child support and anything else Em or I may need in between). Tonight, I resent him because he is not feeling well.

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for him. I really do. No one likes to feel sick and all us women know that men are COMPLETE babies when they are sick. But let's get down to the nitty gritty -- I resent him for being sick because as a mother, I don't take "sick days." I can't say, "Hey...I have a headache. Can you go pick her up so I can rest?" As the custodial parent, I have chosen to have Emmalynn with me more than 50% of the time and taking full care of her. Richard sees her every Thursday and every other weekend, if not every weekend. But I can count on one hand the number of times I have called him (or any other family member up) and said, "I don't feel well, can you take care of Emmalynn?"

I resent how EASY it is for him to just say, "I'm not coming over -- my head hurts and I need to rest." I would feel loads of guilt if I did that -- not just because I am not with Emmalynn after being gone all day, but also because I would feel bad basically giving someone else (mainly Richard) no choice but to care for her...regardless of what his plans are. And trust me when I say that he has a lot more plans than I do. He is a military man -- very on schedule and does not waiver from that schedule. If he does, he is completely thrown off.

And just as quickly as I say I resent him for the convenience of being sick, I feel bad for even resenting him. How fair is that? He is sick and I am mad? And do I really have a RIGHT to be mad? It isn't time with ME that he is forfeiting -- it is time with his daughter. And although it may affect her in the long run, she won't remember how many days a week she saw her father when she was 18 months old. She knows who he is, knows that he loves her and she LOVES spending time with him.

And this just goes to show how EASY it is to resent our child's other parent -- whether it be our boyfriend, fiance, spouse or even "baby daddy," it is easy to do. Even when they aren't really do anything wrong! And then when they are doing something wrong...we question if they are really DOING something wrong. Does the complication ever end?

Probably not.

Something I have tried to do is take deep breaths and evaluate if it is REALLY a big deal. 99% of the time, the answer is no -- it is really NOT a big deal. But that is hard for me to do -- that is hard for ANYONE to do. For all of you parents out there who have this mastered, let me know your secret.

I guess the thing to remember is that our child has us as a loving parent and if we are lucky, at least one other parent who loves them as well. And as long as we are putting their interests above our own, that is all that matters -- all resentment aside.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Baby #2...?

This is going to be a very honest blog and very open for me...but I think it is something that not only I have thought about or dealt with.

I have at least a handful of friends who are currently expecting baby #2. I want to start out by saying this is WONDERFUL!!! I am so happy for them! My daughter is such a blessing and I know that they agree that their child and the one on the way is the best blessings in their lives. My friend Nicole told me she was expecting baby #2 at her son's 2nd birthday party (along with the rest of the party guests) and I started crying! I am so happy for her and her family...and all my other friends that are expecting baby #2!

With that being said...it is time to get honest about why I am even posting this blog. I remember thinking right after I had Emmalynn, "I want to do this again...now. I want to have another baby...and I could do it now." Of course, I could not FINANCIALLY do it now. That would be completely irresponsible. Nor do I have the space for another baby...and I didn't then either. Oh...and I should mention the ELEPHANT in the room -- I am not even DATING anyone...lol. Although Emmalynn's father is a great man and a great father, he and I are not together and us being together, let alone having another baby, it 100% unlikely.

But I would be lying if I said I did not envy my good, wonderful friends that are currently expecting or have already had their 2nd child. What I had always pictured was having my children closer together than my sister and I were. Although my sister and I grew up together, she was always more of a motherly figure than a sister. She took care of me (as she still does, most of the time) and made sure I was being good and all that stuff. As I grew older, we had our moments when she said I swore because I was bugging her and I got my mouth washed out with soap...or she made me open the Christmas presents she was getting and re-wrap them BEFORE Christmas...lol...but we did not have that playful bond that siblings close in age have. I wanted that for my children.

But that was not what happened. I met a man and was happily dating him, being treated better than I had ever been treated in a relationship, and we conceived a baby. And she is perfect and beautiful and I would NEVER change a thing.



But I ache to have a 2nd child. Ache. Desperately. I want to feel that baby in my belly again. I want to feel the joy of meeting that child for the first time and watching them grow and discover and experience life, just like I am watching Emmalynn do now. I want to be there for the good and the bad...and for Emmalynn to have a sibling close in age so that she has a playmate and a friend for life.

I understand that this is not in the cards. And I do not want to do it the same way I did it with Emmalynn -- I want to have a significant other that I know will be around and be with me for the rest of our lives. I want that person to want to have a child with me because of the love we have for each other. Unfortunately, that does not make me any less jealous of my friends that have that and are able to do that with their families.

I guess this is just something that comes with the "single mom" territory. One of the hardest parts -- even harder than doing this without a constant partner or the financial difficulties. I think the hardest thing for a single mom to face is that she may not ever have any more children because she may not find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

This makes me even more grateful for my beautiful Emmalynn Joy. I hope that I am able to cherish every moment of every day with her for the rest of her life...because she may be the only one I am able to do this with.

Everyone with one child or more should always count their blessings and thank God a million times a day for the beautiful children they have.




(All of these photos were taken by my good friend, Jamee. She has her own photography business, Thru the Lens Photography. If you like her photos, check her out on Facebook or ask me more!)

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.

The Extra Skin...

So I have previously discussed the fact that I am actively trying to lose weight and as many people know, I am over 20 lbs down from what I was when I GOT pregnant. This is a big deal for me. And I get excited when I can fit into my Big Star jeans that I have not been able to wear for almost 4 years. No lie.

And then I get in the shower in the morning, look down, and there it is -- skin.

Not fat. Fat I can deal with. Fat goes away. It makes you smaller. It shrinks. Muscle replaces the fat. But skin...you are screwed. That stuff doesn't go away...it just HANGS there. And hangs. And hangs. And never shrinks...never goes away.

As you can tell, I am disgusted with this. Irritated. Pissed off. Livid. Resentful. Boo.

We can all agree that there can be extra skin and in fact, there usually IS extra skin. We love our babies more than anything but we hate the extra skin (not to mention possible stretch marks) our pregnancy leaves behind. I remember complaining about it right after I had Emmalynn and Richard said, "Katie, that shrinks back down. It will be fine. You aren't filling it with fat. Don't worry."

WRONG.

Here I am, 18 months later and losing weight and there is DEFINITELY extra skin now. So I would like to know -- what is the secret to shrinking your stretched-out pregnancy skin? Is there one? Are we just screwed because we were hugely pregnant?

I sure hope not. For all our sakes.

Friday, April 6, 2012

The American Dream?

I have come to a crossroads in my education. I have been in college since fall of 2003 and finished my BA in History in April of 2010. I then started my MA in Psychology through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology's online program in June of 2010. When the Spring of 2011 came, I started to re-evaluate what it was I wanted to do. Ultimately, I want to be a School Psychologist. But I really had no idea where I would start...and this led me to pursue my degree in Education -- my 2nd undergraduate degree.

Unfortunately for me, I have chosen very expensive schools in my journey of education and I knew from the very beginning of my 2nd bachelor's degree that I would not have enough financial aid left to finance the entire degree. At that time, I thought I could save money each month or I could save part of my tax money each year and be able to pay for the rest of my degree myself. After I finished my degree in secondary education and found a job (which I knew would probably not be right away), I would teach and get my foot in the door. By doing this, I would be able to have connections within different school districts and understand the best way to become a school psychologist and how I would go about contracting with school districts to do that.

But then life happened. Babies get sick, parents lose their jobs, unexpected bills take just about every extra penny you have. And now I have made the unbearable decision to withdrawal from school because I was not able to save up the money to finance my degree after my financial aid runs out and it was not be financially responsible of me to rack up a couple thousand more in debt just to not be able to finish until later anyway. And don't even get me started on how in the WORLD I am going to make my student loan payments.

But this leads me to discuss something I have discovered within the past few years and the reality of the "American Dream." In high school, you are encouraged to go to college and get your four year degree because THAT is what will get you a job, the husband/wife, the house with the white picket fence, etc. So we all do that - we go to college, get our degrees and then they tell us that if we want to make more money, we should go and get our master's and doctorate degrees. So we do that, too. All along the way, we have to use financial aid to finance this educational journey that has been presented to us, wrapped with big bows and the promise of money and happiness in life. While some of us are able to get grants and scholarships, many of us come to rely on student loans. And then after we get all our degrees, we are (on average) in debt $80,000...and with jobs that barely pay us $50,000/year...if not LESS. In this economy, it is SURELY less.

So....where is the dream? When do we get to the "financial independence" and "happy family" part of life?

We don't.

That is the ugly truth, folks...we don't get there. We struggle on a daily basis to pack back the loans that the American public and our leaders insisted we get to be able to advance ourselves and serve ourselves, our country, and our economy. And here we are, barely afloat. With no help. No resources. No understanding.

And our dreams? Forget about it. They are done...gone.

And this, of course, leads  me to question what it will be like when my daughter makes the decision to go to college. Although people say that a bachelor's degree is almost essential to getting a successful job these days, I would have to say that you should have even more than that. Which USUALLY means more debt. People say that you should start saving for your child's higher education when they are born...if not before they are born.

So...shoot for the moon kids!! Right??

Is this what it is coming to? EVERYONE should have the chance to have a higher education...but at a price? Is that what I am going to have to say to Emmalynn? I can see it now, "Baby...I am so proud that you got accepted to Yale but your financial aid and scholarships won't cover the cost and I can't afford it so either you get into a mountain of debt or you go to state school. Sorry, pumpkin."

How terrible. How awful.

How can we tell our children to shoot for their dreams when we are not sure we or they can afford them? Will it change? Will it not? I know all this sounds quite socialist but really...why is it okay to live in a country where you have to pay out of your behind for your education and then you don't get a job to help you pay the debt that you had no choice but to accrue to get your "ideal" job? When did education become a privilege and not a right? And how are we all going to explain this to our children?

I am hoping that in 18 years I won't HAVE to explain it to her -- that she will be able to get her higher education and it will be a right...not a privilege.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Just one more rant...

Something I should have added to the previous post, which is EQUALLY important, is this: the minute you start putting your significant other's interest over your own, aka doing everything you can to please them instead of making sure your child happy and healthy (both physically, emotionally and mentally), is the minute you should re-evaluate your relationship. Anyone who asks you to put them and their happiness/best interest over your child's is someone you should run FAR, FAR away from.

Period. The end.

The Importance of a Child's Father

For some, it is your husband. For others, your fiance or boyfriend. For some, it is your ex-boyfriend/husband or maybe for some, it is just your one night stand. Either way, a child's father plays an important role in their life. Not some people are as blessed as I am to have a GREAT baby daddy (he HATES it when I call him that...lol). As I have said before, he and I get along great and I would not trade him for the world...but let me take this moment to REALLY stop and say "thank you" to him...

I cannot BEGIN to thank Richard enough. Although it was just Emma and I during those first rough days and nights this week of Emmalynn's sickness (she has/had hand, foot and mouth disease...COMPLETELY awful)...he was here all weekend and helped me with her. Instead of getting frustrated when she cried and cried, he went into her room each time and rubbed her back until she fell back asleep. Instead of complaining about having to chase Emma around Pella and the dinosaur exhibit, he walked behind her and let her discover, while ensuring she was safe and not "running away." And he allowed me to just sit back and enjoy watching my daughter having fun with her father. THIS means the WORLD to  me.

Do not take this for granted, people! Don't take your child's father for granted...especially if they are a good one!! I know that sometimes parents do not always get along...and that makes it REALLY hard. There are some men out there that are good fathers but NOT so good people. And there are some mothers our there who are GREAT mothers but not so good people. I have known both.

But here is the most important piece of information I could ever tell anyone about raising a child: YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST.

I know it is hard to put aside your feelings -- how this person has hurt you or how they abandoned you (or even your child at some point). Those feelings are COMPLETELY normal. It is okay to be mad. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be hurt. What is NOT okay is making your child suffer by not letting them see their father (or mother). Nothing is more selfish. Nothing. Using your child as collateral is not fair to the child...and not fair the parent. I think people seem to forget that by letting their feelings or resentment get in they way, they are punishing their CHILD so much more than they are punishing the child's other parent.

Honestly, the best thing Richard and I ever did was take a class (required by the courts in custody matters) called Children in the Middle. This class just solidified what I felt was correct all along. It is NOT about the pain and anger between you and the other parent. This is NOT about what they other person did or what they did not do. This is NOT about the lack of time they spent with you or what you think is the lack of time they spent with your family. This is about YOUR CHILD.

YOUR CHILD. YOUR BABY. THE LITTLEST LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!

NOT about you. Ever. Never. Never about you.

The sooner people accept that, the better. I am not saying only women do this -- men do this too. But it is important to understand that the male figure in your child's life is positive. And that means no bad talking your child's other parent...even when you are married!! There are boundaries -- start setting them by NEVER bad mouthing your significant other or former significant other in front of your children. It is not their problem you are mad at each other or did not work out.

As you can tell, this is a BIG deal for me. It was a big deal before Emma was born and even before I got pregnant. PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST. When you do...you will notice that not only your relationship with your child will be better, but your relationship with your child's other parent will be better, too.


If anything...just remember to put your child first. They deserve it...don't ya think??

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The "Set-Up"

For those of you that don't know, I am a single Mom. While Emmalynn's father and I are good friends and get along great, we made the choice early in my pregnancy that being together would most likely not be best for our child. We were right. We did not want to push each other into anything we were both not ready for and resent each other for it later. And I am not going to lie, it was hard - especially during my pregnancy. There were times when I felt alone and abandoned. All the hormones running through me were heightening my emotions and my feelings. The entire time I KNEW that this was what was best for my child, but I also needed to work through my own emotions of being a single parent. I think more than anything it was about accepting the fact that what I had always seen for myself, what my parents had always envisioned for me, was not going to happen. I was not going to meet someone and date them for a year or two and fall madly in love and then get married and have kids. I am not saying that I may not have that someday, but I was doing it "backwards." I met someone and dated them for a few months and here I was, single and about to have a baby. It was a lot to accept and go through and my family, friends and especially Richard were so patient with me while I did. I just had to keep telling myself that my child needed to come first -- my emotions needed to be secondary to the well-being and happiness of my baby.

I also want to go on the record to say that Richard is anything but a jerk. He treated me better than any other man I had ever dated (or even have dated to this point). I have never had someone be so considerate of me -- opening doors, pulling out chairs, even helping me put  my coat on. Not to mention the fact that he bought me a dozen long stem roses for Valentine's Day when he barely had enough money to pay his own bills. He was always there for me and concerned about me. He had problems of his own, though...and it was something we could not pretend was not there. So we did what was best for all of us (in the long run) and made an adult decision.

I remember the day I went to tell him I was pregnant -- I was beyond terrified. I remember going to his apartment and just crying and crying and it was like he already knew what I was going to say. And I had prepared myself for him to say everything you can imagine -- the good and the bad. And he just said, "Katie...we are adults. If you want to keep this baby, I want to keep this baby. I will be there for you and our child however you need me." That is when I knew that no matter what happened between he and I, it was going to be okay. I was not going to be alone is raising this child. And I was right -- I am not alone. I  have a great co-parenting relationship with Richard and that is better than most people have in their marriage. I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life as Emmalynn's father and my friend.

But now that Emmalynn is almost 18 months old, the "setting up" has started to being. I have not dated anyone since Richard and I dated and that was about 2 years ago. And let me go on the record saying that I am TOTALLY fine with that. I appreciate the thought and I know that everyone is just trying to help and wants me to happy.

But here is the HONEST truth -- I AM happy :) I love my baby and I love all the time I get to spend with her. I love that on weekends, Richard, Emmalynn and I do family things like going to the zoo or having dinner or even just walks. I love that. I love that we are our own special kind of family. And of course I want to date and find someone and get married someday -- I still want that white wedding and prince charming :)

But I am okay right now :) I really am. Now, if I met someone and he asked me out and I was interested would I go? Absolutely. I have nothing holding me back from that. But am I actively going to seek a relationship? No. I don't feel like that is best for me OR my child. But I do have a few suggestions for other single Moms out there that are struggling with the idea of dating and having a child.

1. Be a Mom first -- always put the needs of your child over the needs of your dating life.

2. Remember, it is okay to think about yourself and to WANT to date.

3. Once you start to see someone, make sure things are serious and you know him and trust him 100% before you even CONSIDER him  meeting your child. I mean background check, credit check, sex offender registry check, the works.

4. After you know that this guy is a good guy and after a good amount of time of dating (at least 4-5 months, in my opinion), introduce your child to the guy. At the mall. Or at a park. For an hour. Not at your apartment/house/parent's house/anywhere the child feels is their home or territory. And keep it small for the first month or so -- an hour or two here or there. And then ease into it. There is no rush and if this guy is the one, he will respect that and maybe even love you more because you do it.

My point is, when I meet someone and they are the ONE for me, I want him to say, "I fell in love with you when I watched you be a Mom." I want him to love me for me as a person, but I want him to be IN love with me because of the mother I am to my child. And when I find the right man, I know that is what he will say.

Until then, all I need is me and my baby boo :)

Monday, March 19, 2012

Our Trips to the Store...

Last night, with a lack of something to do with Emma that was not in the house, I took her to Toys R Us.

Now, I am not stupid enough to think that I would get out of there not buying Emmalynn ANYTHING. That is just unrealistic. It is a TOY STORE. But I can usually work it so that we end up buying something small and under $10. I found a cute little Fisher Price remote control or "Smart Phone"...but none of those seem to do. It basically consisted of pointing and saying, "Mommy!" and me getting the toy down, her playing with it for a minute or so, handing it back to me, and then pointing at the next toy and the pattern begins again.

But last night, Emmalynn found the shopping cart aisle. There were some that were a $11-12 and had cardboard boxes in there, aka pretend food. THEN there are the "Emmalynn-sized" shopping carts that had MINNIE MOUSE of them. And this one was $20. So, I let her push it around...imitating me and having fun. I was hoping that by the time we got to the checkout, she would forget about it and find some other, smaller, CHEAPER toy that I would buy her.

That didn't happen.

So now, we have a $20 Minnie Mouse shopping cart at home. One that has to go just about everywhere with her. And if it doesn't...well...a fit ensues.

I always give my boss a hard time about buying stuff for her daughter. She is 4 and whenever they go to the store, little Addison makes out like a bandit with a bunch of stuff that she probably will forget she has in a day or so. BUT it keeps from the fit, right?

And then there is my other co-worker who buys an ADORABLE $38 Peek-A-Boo Bear that her daughter LOVES (and my daughter would, too...I honestly want to buy one...) but was WAY overpriced. Yet we do it and feel completely justified. They are our beautiful babies...they deserve it, right??

I guess it is fair to say that we can preach it all we want, but when it comes to a fit ensuing in the middle of the store or giving our child a $5 toy, we are most likely going to get them the $5 toy so we can get done what we need to. Maybe that is just the reality of it and the sooner we (I) accept it, the easier it will be!!

Monday, March 12, 2012

What Should A Mom Do?

I am afraid I am at crossroads.

I know that I have mentioned that I have a back condition before. It is called Spondylolisthesis. It is basically a break between my L5 and S1 bones in my back and the disc is being pinched because of the pressure of the break. It is something that 5% of people are born with. Some people never have any symptoms and live a pain free life. (If you are medically curious, this is a great website to reference: http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00053)

Well, those people are either men or childless women. Getting pregnant put pressure on my back because my back had to support more weight in the front. And now the pain has built a nice little cement house and is not going anywhere anytime soon. And it hurts -- a lot. I have seen an orthopedic surgeon and this is something that will eventually need surgery. It is just up to me to tell him that enough is enough and I cannot take it anymore.

This is my dilemma. Is the pain enough? Absolutely. I am tired of barely being able to get out of bed and feeling like I can't take care of my child. And I hate taking meds just as much because it makes me foggy and unable to take care of Emmalynn. So the only option sounds like surgery, right?

I wish it was that simple. When I have the surgery, I am out of work for 4 weeks then part time for 2 weeks. Although I am grateful for work and insurance, I would only be getting 67% of my pay for the time I am gone from my surgery. Unfortunately, it would be cutting it REALLY close in terms of budget. But here is the big deal for me" I cannot pick up my baby for almost 6 weeks. As the surgeon said, I cannot be the primary caregiver for my child for 6 weeks. I am not saying her father and my parents cannot help. I know they can. But I love taking her places and being apart of her life every day. It may be what is best for me physically...but is it what is best for me emotionally?

Here I go again -- putting holding my child for 6 weeks over a lifetime of pain. I'm not saying I will NEVER get this surgery, but I would really like to put it off until my child is...say...in college? Is that too much to ask? Yeah...I suppose it is.

I am hoping I am not the only Mom out there who struggles with this kind of stuff. I know I am most likely not...but it feels pretty lonely! So what should a Mom do? Should I put myself first and just suck it up? Or should I just put it off until I cannot move? Ugh. I have a feeling I will never be satisfied with the answers I give myself or anyone else gives me.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Vacation Epiphany

On Monday, I got home from my 4 day stay in Colorado. Let me just say that going there was exactly what I needed; I need to see my best friend, her love and their little baby Stella. I needed the time away to just clear my head. And coming home has brought to my attention several different things:

1. I love Colorado. I LOVE it. When I say I want to move there someday, I am not lying. If I could move there tomorrow, I would. Of course, nothing is as simple as that. But if I could, I would. When I got home and was driving from the airport home, I started to head west and I did not see the mountains and I felt my heart sink. To say that I feel like Colorado is somewhere I want to live is an understatement...and I really hope I am able to do it someday (sooner would be better than later!).

2. I have to cut myself some slack. I have been used to living up to this person -- the one who can do it all. After I left Central College in 2006, I started to work full time, which I did until I graduated in 2010. And I didn't stop there -- even though I was pregnant, I started graduate school in June of 2010 and continued that for year until I decided that teaching is what is really my passion. So I was used to working full time, usually with a part time job as well, and being a full time student. THEN I got used to being pregnant, working full time and being a full time GRADUATE student. And then I was a single mom, full time student and working full time. More than once, the people close to me would say I reminded them of Sarah Jessica Parker's character in the movie, "I Don't Know How She Does It." And honestly...I don't know how I did it, either. I STILL don't know how I did it.

But with my Dad losing his job and my parents needing my help, things have been even crazier. Now I want to take this opportunity to say that my parents have helped me out time and time again...I do not have an issue helping them. I am glad that I am able to help them. But it has definitely added stress to my life. And it is just what tipped me over the edge and gave me a reality check: I am NOT superwoman...nor is anyone expecting me to be. It is okay for me to say I cannot do it all. It is okay for me to admit that it is hard and I am stressed. It is okay for me to take a break from school. IT IS OKAY.

3. I need to get my life in order. I need to take ahold of my debt and start making sure it goes away. I want to set a good financial example for Emmalynn and the only way I can do it is to make sure that I model that, starting now. Hopefully I am able to do this with the help of family, friends and of course, financial counselors.

I guess the point of this blog entry is to show you that you CANNOT do it all. It is OKAY to admit that it is too much. And not only working Moms have this problem -- I know that many stay at home moms also feel this pressure to do everything and be everything. I feel like it is a double edge sword -- Moms that are Working Moms are always feeling guilty that they are not able to stay home with their kids. They are missing out on the first crawls, their first words, their first steps. Working Moms feel as though they are missing out on...everything. And then there are Stay At Home Moms -- although they are at home, raising their children and taking care of the home, they feel that guilt -- am I doing enough? Am I contributing enough? Should they be in daycare for more socialization? No matter WHAT you do...as a Mom, we never feel as though we are doing enough.

So I hope that you are having your "I don't have to be superwoman" epiphany soon. I am glad I had mine.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Those First Nights Away...

I started a new job at a bank in June of last year and along with that, I had to go to Omaha for one day of training. I had the option of driving the morning of or driving there the night before, staying in a hotel (FOR FREE) and then going to the orientation. Being that I am REALLY not a morning person, I decided to go the night before. But there was a catch...

It was my first night without my baby girl :(

I remember packing and holding back my tears. And then when it came time to say goodbye, I was SOBBING. I mean, it was just one night! How crazy am I!?! And I went to the car and Richard put Emmalynn in the pack n play and followed me out. This put a damper on my plan to sit in my car, in the parking spot, and cry my eyes out for the next 20-30 minutes. So, I pulled out of the parking spot, drove down the drive, parked in a spot he could  not see, and sobbed for the next 15 minutes.

Then I thought I could go and be okay.

I proceeded to cry until I was about half way to Omaha.

Richard really was great -- he sent me pictures of her before she went to bed, when she got up in the morning, when he dropped her off at my sister's and everything in between.

It was at that moment I knew that if Richard was EVER going to take Emmalynn for a night and on the weekends, I would have to learn to cope with not being with my baby.

That has not gone so well.

For the second time, I am leaving Emmalynn for the night tomorrow night. And for the next 3 nights. My best friend had a beautiful baby girl about a month ago, Stella Lyna. I am going out to Colorado Springs starting tomorrow and coming back Monday afternoon. And just thinking about the time away from my baby hurts my insides. Of course, I have thought over and over again that I could just take her with me -- she is under 2 years old and could sit on my lap, no ticket needed. But then I remember WHY I am going to see my best friend and her beautiful baby: to help my friend in any way she needs it and to snuggle with my new "niece." If Emmalynn was there, I would not be able to give either of them my full attention. It just wouldn't happen. So I know that her going with me is not a good choice.

But I am going to miss her. So. Much.

I wish this goes away...but I have a feeling it does not. I am always going to miss my baby. And that is okay -- I think that makes me a good Mom. I think it makes me a BETTER Mom to be able to let go and say that I need this time without her and she needs this time with her father.

But I am sure I will sob for at least an hour when they drop me off at the airport.

But that's okay. It really is okay.

:)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Bath Time

It's hard to believe that less than 6 months ago, my child would scream and cry every time she had to take a bath.

Once she turned about 10 or 11 months, she decided to tolerate it.

Now, she loves her baths...and that, I love. She actually threw a fit when I made her get out! Yay for bath time being fun!!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

My 16 Month Old Slept Like A Newborn Last Night

Sound familiar? I've read several things about how babies can change and revert back to waking up several times during the night once they hit one year old...and even researched it when Emmalynn started to do it. But it's a whole other ball game than I thought. I honestly still feel like this is my karmic payback for her sleeping through the night at 7 weeks old.

Last night, she went to bed around 8:30 and then woke up at 12:45, 2:45, 3:30, 5:30 and then for good at 7:15. I'm so tired I can barely see straight. I get the "this is motherhood" thing. But at least when she was a newborn she was consistent. She woke up every few hours and I knew she would. Now I expect her to sleep through the night...so when she does 90% of the time and doesn't the rest...THAT is the hard part.

I know I'm not the only one experiencing this or who has experienced it. So this is a small, tired Mama vent. Feel free to vent as well if you are in the same boat as me!!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Weeee!!

I cannot help but watch this video and DIE laughing now.



She was just fine...by the way. Looked at me like I had 5 heads when I was all worked up!!

My baby needs what?!?!

This morning, my friend Jess' daughter had tubes put in her ears. Lily will be 9 months old tomorrow. After 8 ear infections in 6 months and a resistance to antibiotics, it was the best thing and really the only thing that could give little Lily some relief.

The same thing does not apply to the parents when the ENT says, "Well, it looks like tubes are the best option. It is a simply surgery and takes about 15 minutes from start to finish. How does 2 days from now sound?" And as a parent, your heart starts to beat really fast and your stomach starts to come into your throat and you feel the dreaded panic coming on.

The following questions come into a parent's mind when they realize their child is having surgery: You are going to put my baby under with general anesthesia? Is this really going to help? Are you sure it only takes 15 minutes? What if my baby reacts badly? Is this worth it? Am I an awful parent? Did I do something wrong?

But mostly, this is what is being said loudly in your head over every question you could ever think of:

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And then they tell you it is affecting their hearing. Now you REALLY feel like a jerk. All this time you thought your dear little one was being a little toot and not listening to you and in all reality, they could not hear you.

**Insert Mommy Guilt Here**

I remember it all like it was yesterday. Emmalynn had 6 ear infections in 8 months and I knew it was time to do something about it. At her one year well check, we got a referral from our pediatrician to go to the ENT. So, we went down to Dr. Zlab's office where he looked at her ears and did an auditory exam. He looked at her ears, said he saw that there was quite a bit of fluid and that we could either take Emmalynn to the doctor every two weeks this winter OR he could do tubes. But let's do an auditory exam first. So we do the exam. She failed. Apparently, the fluid in her ears is effecting her hearing. Fantastic. Who is a jerk? This Mom. So, I say, "Okay. Tubes. When?" He scheduled us for the 10th of November.

A couple of days before, a nurse from the surgery center called to ask me a ton of questions about my daughter. Honestly, I never knew I had to answer SOOOO many questions. So, I answer the questions and they schedule Emma's surgery for 7AM.

On that day, we got to the surgery center around 6 AM as they prepped her, weight and height, pulse, bp...all that good stuff. Then we waited in the small little room for the doctor to come in and then for the nurse to come and take her away to her first surgery. I would just think about it and cry. I remember the nurse telling me, "Now when she gets out of the surgery and comes out of the anesthesia, she is going to be your baby's evil twin. But she will sleep for 4 or 5 hours and be a normal baby again." I remember thinking that my baby would be special...she will just want to snuggle with me and have Mommy make it all better. So, the doctor comes in and then the nurse comes in and says, "Okay Mom, let's do this quick before she realizes that she is leaving you." Within 5 seconds of that, she was whisked out of my arms after a quick kiss and she was gone. 11 minutes in the waiting room and the nurse came and got me. They were done and she did wonderfully. I talked to the doctor and I could see her soon. I walked into the room and saw my sweet baby with the nurse.

She was my baby's evil twin. I really had wondered where my sweet girl had gone. It was what they had told me it would be like, but I was COMPLETELY unprepared. COMPLETELY. After her thrashing around for 20 minutes, I was able to take her home. She fell asleep on the way home and then slept for 4 hours (as did I) when she got home.

And you know what? They were right again -- she was a happy, playful, sweet baby again. And guess what? She has had ONE ear infection since she got tubes. ONE. No visits to the doctor, no worries for this or that concerning her ears. We have drops for it and will never have to go to the doctor for an ear infection again.

Was it worth it? Absolutely. Was it harder on me than it was on her? Without a doubt. Am I glad we did it for her? Of course.

Moral of the story -- it is going to be okay if your baby needs to get tubes. Looking back it was not HALF as bad as I thought it would be (except for the evil twin baby part...that was bad). Do not be afraid if your child has to have this done. And if anything, ask me questions about it. I am no expert, but I can help you understand it all from a parent's perspective. Something I wish I had had!! :)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Demands of Life...and Mommyhood

It has been awhile since I have blogged last -- the dreaded "life" has gotten in the way. I am nearing the last 2 weeks of my two online courses and keeping busy at work and getting ready for a trip to see my best friend and her beautiful new baby and keeping the house up and making sure we have groceries...and oh yeah, being a MOM.

No one said it was ever going to be easy, working and being a single Mom. And they were right -- it is not easy. I want to spend every waking minute I am with my daughter and not at work actually being WITH my daughter. I want to play with her and watch her learn and listen to her talk (which she does constantly) even though I have NO idea what she is saying. I want to snuggle with her and not worry about anything else...ever. But that is not reality. At all. As I am playing with my daughter, no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to not think about school or money or groceries or what needs to be done tomorrow or this weekend or next Tuesday. I mean...I have a paid day off because of President's Day and here I am -- working on school work and blogging (in my defense, Emma is napping). I want so desperately to take Emmalynn to the Science Center or the mall to play...and then I just think of all the assignments and schoolwork I have looming over me and I don't think I can do it.

So...how do I make sure that the time I spend with my daughter is 100% devoted to her?

This is a question I do not have the answer to yet. I hope someday I will have the answer to it. But for now, I will just keep spending as much time with Emmalynn as possible and try to keep the school work and money worries and grocery shopping and worries about this and that to a minimum. But I think the most important thing to remind myself is that I am not perfect...nor will I ever be. All I can do is say that I tried my best and that is the best I can do. And Emmalynn will know that when she is older...she will see that I did the best that I could.

**Insert Mommy Guilt Here**

Like I said, all I can do is my best. And all you can do is your best. I know that being a Mom even when you have a husband or boyfriend or significant other can be hard. I totally get that. I am not at all crying "single Mommmy" here. I get that it is hard for everyone. For all of us. But I have a feeling that it does not get easier...it just gets harder from here on out. And what about when we all have more kids? It is going to get even worse then.

The point is that life is hard in and of itself but being a Mom is even harder. And add life in with being a Mom, being a parent, and all we can do is our best. And remind each other that when we are down on ourselves...we are all doing our best and that we love our children. 

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mommy Time

My sister started to have babies when I was 17. They are now 8, 7 and 5 years old (yes...multiplied like bunnies, people...bunnies...). Not to mention that after college, my friends started to get married and have babies as well.

Now, I think we all know that Emmalynn's Dad and I are not together. When I got pregnant, we were dating and then we realized that we were not sure what we wanted from each other, but knew we were good friends and wanted to keep it that way. And we have. Do we argue? Absolutely. But we are good friends and put our daughter first. I would not have it any other way.

But being a single Mom has been tough. I am so lucky to have a support system like my family and like Emmalynn's Dad but there are still things that I do mostly by myself. For the most part, I take care of Emmalynn by myself. Her Dad is there whenever I need him and whenever I ask...but I do not ask too much.

And this brings me to my point for this blog -- why is it that as mothers, we do not take time for ourselves? Until I became a mother, I was the one preaching to my sister, her friends, and anyone else who was a Mom that in order to be a great, effective mother you have to take time for yourself. And that means more than grocery shopping by yourself. It means getting a pedicure, manicure, massage, shopping or even just driving around alone in your car and taking time for yourself. In order for your kids to see that you effectively raise them and love them, they need to see that you love yourself.

Then I had a baby.

I still COMPLETELY agree with what I said before. But let's be honest...I have spent ONE night away from Emmalynn. One. And that was because I absolutely HAD to go to Omaha for a new job. And I cried half way to Omaha. Coming up in March, I will be spending 4 days in Colorado with my best friend and her new, beautiful little baby (who will be here ANY day!!) and to even think about it brings on a small panic attack.

But it is really hard to take time for myself...other than grocery shopping. I struggle to find time for just me and my friends...and let's be honest...my friends with kids struggle to do the same. But that does not mean it does not need to be done. We need to get together with our girlfriends and go have pedicures or go shopping...try on dresses that you can never afford...have a few cocktails and sing some karoke! But how do we do this without feeling the "Mommy Guilt"?

Simple answer -- we don't. We are going to feel the Mommy Guilt no matter what. But that should not stop us from doing it. We need time for ourselves...time to grow...time to just be friends with our friends and not be a Mom or a girl friend or a wife or partner.

So I challenge all of you Mamas to get in touch with your friends, send your Facebook messages and mass texts, and do SOMETHING with JUST your girlfriends this month. And savor and love every minute of it. And then do it again next month...and the next month...and so on. Trust me, it is worth it! And you are a better Mom for doing it! :)

Saturday, February 4, 2012

The Baby Weight

I have been dealing with this for the last year or so and so I have to write about it.

The baby weight.

Generally, a healthy woman at a healthy weight should gain 25-30 lbs. An overweight woman should gain 15-20. An obese woman should gain 10-15, if any at all.

First off, if you are one of those women who go right back to what they looked like before they were pregnant...with really no issues...we are fighting.

The rest of this is for every other woman who has had a hard time losing the baby weight. Lord knows that NOTHING is the same after you have a baby. Nothing. Your old normal is now completely foreign and you now have a new normal to deal with.

I am going to put this out there and I am not ashamed of it. When I got pregnant, I was around 202 lbs. In my first trimester, I was so sick that I lost 18 lbs, bringing be down to 184 lbs at about 15 weeks pregnant. By the end of my pregnancy, I weight 231 lbs. After leaving the hospital after having Emmalynn, I was down to 212 lbs.

And then comes the roller coaster. I started Weight Watchers the beginning of 2011 and in the first week, lost 12 lbs -- the secret, only drinking diet soda when I did drink soda. And then I was stuck between 200-205 lbs for the next 8-10 months. Sometimes I would dip below 200, around 198 or so. But then it was right back up to 200. I may have weighed the same I did when I got pregnant, but as previously mentioned, my new normal was more weight in the butt, hips, arms and that dreaded BABY BELLY where the SKIN never seems to shrink back to normal size.

I started to see a weight loss doctor after finding out I would eventually need to have surgery on my back because of a condition I was born with (missing bone between my L5 and S1...aka painful). So, I started to track my calories, per the dietician's advice, through MyFitnessPal. They have an online website and they also have an app that I have on my phone. Since starting this on November 1st, I am down to 185.2 lbs. I gained 2 lbs during the holiday season. I wish I could say I am upset by that, but I am honestly not. It was the holidays and I gained weight and then took it off again. No big deal.

This has been a struggle. Don't get me wrong, having Emmalynn was well worth the struggle. But I cannot ever wear the things I wore before...they do not fit the same. And I want to lose quite a bit more weight, so I cannot buy pants each time I go down a size (unless they are cheap...which some have been). Basically, I have resorted to just looking like a gangster with baggy pants.

The point of all of this is....it is okay to struggle with your weight after you have your baby. It is okay to have ups and downs and find your new normal and what works for you NOW (because what worked for you before is PROBABLY not going to work for you now). Above all, the support system that we are able to have with our friends who are ALSO trying to lose their baby weight, THAT is priceless. Completely priceless. So Mamas, let's support each other! We are all in this together and we CAN do it!!