Using Your Child As An Excuse?

Okay...so I may really piss some people off with this blog entry but oh well - it can't go unsaid in my book.

I have a dear friend who has a beautiful little girl and is in a horrible relationship with her daughter's father and when she is asked why she doesn't end the relationship, her immediate response is, "It's complicated. There's a child involved."

I love this woman to death - she is so strong, courageous and wise. She has held me up when things have fallen apart for me. But what she does is probably my biggest pet peeve - she uses her child as an excuse to stay in a unhealthy relationship.

(I just want to note here that she has other reasons that she does not end her relationship with this man. I just don't think this particular one is a valid one...at least not in my opinion.)

I understand that a child complicates things. If anyone understands that, I do. It can make lines foggy and relationships that seemed so solid or understood so well seem so confusing. But here is what confuses me more: using your child as an excuse to stay in a miserable relationship instead of using your child as the reason to get OUT of the unhealthy relationship.

If you ask children of parents who are divorced if they would have preferred their parents stayed together and fought all the time or they get divorced and live in a happier, more peaceful household, I can almost guarantee that 90% of them will say they would want their parents to get divorced. And divorce is hard on both the parents and the kids. Unfortunately, there are parents out there that let their resentment and anger of their ex-spouse get in the way of the important thing: raising their child. By staying together, you are setting the example for your child that marriage is miserable and something to survive...not something to cherish and enjoy throughout the years. Even though you have a child, staying together and being miserable is probably doing more damage to your child than separating.

I know not everyone agrees with me. And I respect that. But it gets me so worked up every time I hear the excuse of "but we have a child...". I say that if you and your significant other are not good together and do not show love or affection towards each other, you are not setting a good example, period.

Please, just put your children and their well being first. And sometimes, that means separating. Sometimes it means staying together. And sometimes it means taking a hard look at whether you are using your child as an excuse or using them as the REASON to be with or without their other parent.