What Should A Mom Do?

I am afraid I am at crossroads.

I know that I have mentioned that I have a back condition before. It is called Spondylolisthesis. It is basically a break between my L5 and S1 bones in my back and the disc is being pinched because of the pressure of the break. It is something that 5% of people are born with. Some people never have any symptoms and live a pain free life. (If you are medically curious, this is a great website to reference: http://orthoinfo.aaos.org/topic.cfm?topic=a00053)

Well, those people are either men or childless women. Getting pregnant put pressure on my back because my back had to support more weight in the front. And now the pain has built a nice little cement house and is not going anywhere anytime soon. And it hurts -- a lot. I have seen an orthopedic surgeon and this is something that will eventually need surgery. It is just up to me to tell him that enough is enough and I cannot take it anymore.

This is my dilemma. Is the pain enough? Absolutely. I am tired of barely being able to get out of bed and feeling like I can't take care of my child. And I hate taking meds just as much because it makes me foggy and unable to take care of Emmalynn. So the only option sounds like surgery, right?

I wish it was that simple. When I have the surgery, I am out of work for 4 weeks then part time for 2 weeks. Although I am grateful for work and insurance, I would only be getting 67% of my pay for the time I am gone from my surgery. Unfortunately, it would be cutting it REALLY close in terms of budget. But here is the big deal for me" I cannot pick up my baby for almost 6 weeks. As the surgeon said, I cannot be the primary caregiver for my child for 6 weeks. I am not saying her father and my parents cannot help. I know they can. But I love taking her places and being apart of her life every day. It may be what is best for me physically...but is it what is best for me emotionally?

Here I go again -- putting holding my child for 6 weeks over a lifetime of pain. I'm not saying I will NEVER get this surgery, but I would really like to put it off until my child is...say...in college? Is that too much to ask? Yeah...I suppose it is.

I am hoping I am not the only Mom out there who struggles with this kind of stuff. I know I am most likely not...but it feels pretty lonely! So what should a Mom do? Should I put myself first and just suck it up? Or should I just put it off until I cannot move? Ugh. I have a feeling I will never be satisfied with the answers I give myself or anyone else gives me.